What's That You Say, Mrs. Robinson?

Sabbatical - Day 25 - The fog is clearing

I'm not counting weekend days, by the way. I know it's a little confusing, but that's how I see it.

 

It's been five weeks since my last day of work. This week has been the first week that I have felt even a little "normal." The first four weeks felt more like a time for watching and waiting. Watching what and waiting for what, I'm not sure. But that's what it was.

I did get some things accomplished in those weeks. I've lost some weight and, more importantly, gotten stronger and healthier by making a good workout the focus of each day and by taking the time and energy necessary to build other good habits like eating healthier. I have also spent some great time with Dan, took a couple of road trips to see dear friends and my Mom and to see my youngest son play a gig up near Lake Tahoe. Dan arranged for us to see a mid-week, mid-day ballgame at AT&T which was one of the decadent activities I identified early on as a must-do. I have also spent time with several dear friends at dinners, lunches, happy hours, and ballgames. Yes, I'm blessed.

The whole process is fascinating to me and I find myself not only experiencing it first hand, but also having a sort of out-of-body experience with it. I'm an objective observer of my own journey. As I continue to read "Finding Your Own North Star" by Martha Beck, I can't help thinking that there really is something to this that I need to explore further. 

The process of looking within and evaluating what you are really meant to do with your life is so profound and basic and energizing and exhausting and valuable and undervalued.....From an HR perspective I find myself thinking about how great it would be if we could, as employers, give everyone at our companies a couple of days a year (at the very least, once a quarter would be better) off of the regular work schedule to have focused time to be introspective and ask some of these difficult questions. Time to be strategic about our lives. Time to stop and breath and re-focus. How much more engaged would our employees be? 

Sure, some of them might ultimately decide that what they are currently doing isn't what they were really meant to be doing, but better to find that out and deal with it than to have an employee work for several years only partially engaged. Could I make a living at helping people and companies along these journies? 

Is it a career coach or a life coach? Is it in-house or as a consulting practice? How to I gain the expertise needed to do this? Education? Experience? Where do I begin?

I've already begun, really, by taking my own journey and learning first hand the power of the process. Could this be the thing I was meant to do? I need to try it on and see.

Once again, the blogosphere is.....graced

Please join me in welcoming (back) Grace Davis to the blogosphere with her new blog "graced." 

I first met Grace back in the early 2000s when we worked together at a small biotech start-up. She was a trailblazer in the mommy-blogger world with her gem, "I'm Dr. Laura's Worst Nightmare." Over the years, she evolved, along with her blog and for the past many years has been sadly absent from the blogosphere. 

Miss Davis was the dear soul who introduced me to the world of blogging. When I left the company where we both worked in 2004, she gifted to me a year of my TypePad fees so that I could start my own blog and have an outlet for my writing. I still can't thank you enough, sister Grace.

So imagine my utter delight and surprise when I woke up this mornig to a facebook post from Grace that she had started a new blog. I'm so glad to be able to share this with you. I know you will love this dear woman as much as I have over the years. 

Welcome back, Grace. How I've missed you so.

Sabbatical Day 17 - It's Not Time Yet

What an interesting journey this is.

I've spent the last couple of weeks kind of going with the flow. The only constant in my routine has been going to the gym in the morning and working my buns off. Beyond that, each day is filled with some combination of the following:

• Being creative (painting, writing, crafting etc.)
• Running errands
• Reading (finishing up "Finding Your Own North Star")
• Going to Darren's gigs
• Spending time with family and friends

The last week or so, I've felt myself in kind of a fog. I haven't had the energy to jump into anything major, physically or mentally. I know now that this has been a liminal period ("limin" is Latin meaning threshold....between identities, not one thing or the other) and is often marked with feelings of disorientation.

I have let myself just experience these feelings without forcing myself to try to "snap out of it." This is my down time, my time to just be and to remember how to breath again. A friend of mine who also took some time off from working told me that it took him about a month to break out of the fog. After a month, his girlfriend even noticed "hey, you got your brain back!"

This makes total sense to me now. I get it. This is week 4 of my time off and I am just beginning to feel like I will soon get to the point where I can formulate a complete thought and be able to make plans and, heaven forbid, put them into action.

But now is not the time for action. Not quite yet. Now is the time for reflection and nurturing and learning. I am attempting to keep myself open to possibilities without actually committing to any of them. The opportunities and possibilities are there. I'm just not ready yet.

Sabbatical - Day 2 - Now what?

HA! I have so many things on my list titled, "what I want to do with my time off" that I should never have to ask this question. But because I don't HAVE to do anything, it does feel a little bit like I don't know what to do.

For starters, it's off to the gym again this morning. I had a GREAT workout yesterday as evidenced by my sore core and shoulders which I worked quite extensively after spending 45 min. on the treadmill. And, as suspected, I had MUCH more energy at 10am than I have had at 4:30pm for hitting the gym. 

I did some paiting yesterday and will do some more today as I'm having great fun with that. I'll also do some writing which I promised myself I would do a bit of everyday and some days a LOT of. If today isn't as windy as it was yesterday, I 'll also try my hand at spraypainting a chair that I got after a friend's move. There is a beautiful can of purple spray paint in my closet just dying to get out.

Let's run down yesterday's activities:

7am - wake up
7:30 - get up, make coffee, write a blog post, putz around on-line
10am - Off to the gym, 1.25 hours of workout, then to Jamba Juice for an apples and greens smoothie with a whey protein boost
Noon - Home, putzing
12:45 - In my "office" for art work
3pm - Clean the kitchen
4pm - More art
5pm - Full house, everyone is home - hang out with the family
6pm - Dinner, tri-tip
8pm - More art 
10:30pm - Bed 

Sabbatical - Day 1 - A Room of One's Own

I started setting up my home office yesterday and got it at least to the point where I could wake up this morning and enjoy it. This photo is the view from my chair. It may not be seaside or a fantastic library or an inspirational art loft, but it is my own and I love it.

Virginia Woolf was right, a woman (and a man, I think) does need a room of one's own. Some place that exists for the sole reason of welcoming you and inviting you to do whatever it is you need to do in that moment. Read, write, sleep, dance, or just be still. 

I will be nurturing this space, and therefore myself over the coming days, weeks, and months. I think we have some wonderful times ahead, this space and I. 

Day 1-eve of my Sabbatical

I try not to have expectations around anyone's feelings, especially my own. Expectations usually lead to disappointment or confusion.

Tonight, as I get read to go to bed knowing that I don't have to get up and go to work tomorrow morning, or any other morning in the near future, I find myself surprised with how I'm feeling. It's a cross between dis-orientation and melancholy. I totally did NOT expect to feel like this.

I left my job this past Friday. I actually gave notice about six months ago, but stayed for a while in hopes that they would find my replacement and that I could help effect a smooth transition. I stayed as long as I could but six months was my limit. I very much love the people I worked with and Friday was a tough day. There were tears, cheers and everything in between. I spent some time by myself with a glass of prosecco and cheese, met Dan and some friends for an afternoon of contratulations, and then went and danced the night away at the Carlos Club.

Then on Saturday, Dan surprised me with a spa day and a night at the Stanford Park Hotel. Just the two of us enjoying some down time. It was priceless and just what I needed. He's a keeper.

And here I sit, on Sunday evening preparing to go to bed (but first an episode or two of True Blood). I have a little bit of a sick feeling in my stomach. I feel a little numb. It is becoming evident that this will not be all sh*ts and giggles. So much of my identity has been wrapped up in my work and my career.

And here I sit, unemployed by choice, but unemployed none-the-less. It will be many, many months before that becomes a bad thing and I have ideas galore on what I want to do with my time off. But I'm still feeling out of sorts. I guess that is to be expected. This is a huge life change for me. All change is difficult and takes time to get used to whether it is good or bad.

I'm thinking that I need to just breath, be kind to myself, and acknowledge that whatever I'm feeling (expected or unexpected) is fine. It's just part of the process. And that I'll wake up tomorrow and tackle the day in whatever way feels right. I'm so proud of myself for daring to take this journey, for stepping outside of my comfort zone.

Because that is when great things tend to happen.

Inspiration and Perspiration

Today I sat down and wrote the first few paragraphs to a fictional story.

There. I did it.

Not sure where it will lead or even what it will be. A short story? A novel? A bunch of words that will sit somewhere in my house for years? I honestly couldn't tell you and that is part of the exercise. The thought of writing an entire novel is, while very exciting, quite daunting. And so I promised myself that I would not let the goal of an end-product keep me from taking the first step. No expectations, no pre-conceived ideas of what I want it to be or what I will eventually get out of it.

Just a start.

I think so often we get caught up in defining what the finish line looks like that we are afraid to just start running and trust that not only is the journey itself the most important thing, but that it is OK for us to change our minds along the way on where the finish line is. And so I begin with no finish line in mind, but the hope that along the way I will feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face and I will make the time I spend along this journey fun. I'm sure that I'll get a good workout along the way and develope muscles I didn't even know I had.

And at the end of the day, or the race or whatever, I'll be a better, happier, more experienced woman.

Sitting on the runway, engines reved and ready to go

I find myself feeling like a jet airplane today; full of fuel, a pilot at the helm, and on the tarmak with engines blazing and shaking slightly with all of the energy that I'm holding on to. Waiting for just the right moment to release the break and hit the throttle, I sit here ready as ever for take-off.

Background:

I have been at my current job for about seven and-a-half years. In three more weeks, I will come to the end of my journey here and will launch fully into a discovery and experimentation phase. In January I musterd up some courage and decided to leave this amazingly wonderful job that I have called home for so many years. It was a tough decision, but from the moment I made it I knew with every fiber of my being that it was the right one.

It's funny how sometimes you just KNOW something so completely.

In the past several months I have begun to ready myself for this new journey. Using the right side of my brain more predominantly than ever before, I have taken photography classes, started drawing and keeping an art journal, began writing more than ever before, and just generally giving life to that side of me.

Dan thinks I'm the "crazy pen lady" based on how many different colors of pens I keep on me at any give time and on my constant doodling and drawing while watching TV. I just can't seem to get enough color or creativity in my life right now. It's like I was stranded in the desert for so long and am now kneeling beside an ample oasis and drinking in every last drop.

One might ask, "For what purpose?" Honestly, I'm not exactly sure yet. What I AM sure of is that it gives me energy, clarity and space to think about other parts of my life. That doesn't mean I have all the answers because heaven knows there are things in my life that I'm still struggling with and trying to solve. It does mean that I feel, more than ever, like my authentic self.

And there doesn't need to be any other purose than that.

On that day, at the end of June, when I walk out of the building for the last time, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be blaring the theme from Top Gun in my car with the sunrooof open and my shades on and my hair blowing and I'll be smiling and feeling like I "feel the need....the need for speed!"

Let's just hope I don't get a ticket on the way home (or wherever I'll be headed....).

Be Careful What You Ask For

My last post was about feeling sluggish and somewhat paralized. This one is about quite the opposite feeling, but with a similar outcome. I have so many ideas, desires, wishes, dreams, possibilities and choices swimming about me. Pulled in so many different directions at the same time can result in feeling like you are standing still.

I'm not complaining. This is a very exciting time in my life. I'm seeing a career coach who is helping me discover and think through what my next big calling in life might be. It is a fascinating and exciting process. I just finished the Mondo Beyondo process that has me creating space in my life for all of the new possibilities (litterally and figuratively). I'm doing creative things, talking to people about new professional opportunities that are so very different than anything I've ever doen before. I'm both making things happen for myself and sitting back to let life bring me what it will at the same time.

When I take a step back to ponder and consider this, it boggles my mind! How transformative. How brave. How lucky. How very, very, overwhelming.

Part of it is that I need to get comfortable with this new state of being. With having a state of mind that allows me to be constantly available for life's bounty and path.

Welcome to the new world, Mrs. Robinson. We've been waiting for you.

Having one of those days when I feel like I'm constantly swimming through jello. Have you ever had that feeling? Like no matter how hard you try to move forward it requires WAY more effort than it should and you encounter obstacles at every turn. It's excruciating! So frustrating but the more you get frustrated, the harder things get, still. It's a vicious circle.

I'm not sure whether to keep my head down and keep plowing through or do something out of the ordinary...crazy...shake things up.

Foggy headed, frustrated, easily annoyed. A good day for me to not interact with anyone. Good thing Dan is out of town. Poor thing would be feeling the brunt of this if he were here. At least he is spared.

The rest of you who have to deal with me today, however, are not so lucky.

GOTTA SNAP OUT OF IT!

My Energy Source

As part of my Mondo Beyondo course, I am identifying the things in my life that give me energy, that feed me in some way, with the recognition that in order to dream big and to have the courage and stamina to see those dreams through to reality, I must seek out the inner strength and energy that will sustain me.

1) Music - listen to it every day. The standards that make me feel happy (Kenny Chesney, Dave Matthews etc) and the new and interesting music that feed my desire to experience new things on a daily basis (French cafe music, classical etc)

2) I'll steal this one from the course instructor: Make things pretty. Do something every day to make my surroundings more pleasing and nicer to be in. Flowers, cleaning up clutter, a new pillow, something to make the kitchen counter more interesting, a new scarf etc.

3) Be creative: Do something creative every day. Write. Work on my homemade cookbook/scrapbook, doodle, create handmade cards, take photos, edit photos, whatever....the possibilities are endless.

That's a good start. I have a feeling a couple new ideas will come my way as the day progresses. Bueno.

Mondo Beyondo - Dreaming BIG

I just signed up for an on-line class called Mondo Beyondo (you'll see a link to the right -> ). My dear friend Becky has done this class and highly recommneded it. I'm at a place in my life that is ripe for new beginnings, or at least some decisions on what kind of beginnings I want to explore. This seems like just the right time to embark on a class/journey just like this. Here is a description:

What happens when you give an unspoken wish a place to become a dream come true? How do you gather the courage required to help a new found dream soar?

Join seasoned dreamers Andrea Scher and Jen Lemen as together we explore Mondo Beyondo--the powerful point of view that transforms our deepest dreams into practical realities. This six week online class complete with inspiring lessons, real life stories, secret missions, audio interviews and hands-on activities will help you take your dreams from the realm of wishing into everyday motion.

Supported by Andrea and Jen as your able guides and exclusive access to a community of dreamers, you'll find yourself equipped with the perfect tools and the just right atmosphere to take the risks you've always dreamed of. Join us for the next session of Mondo Beyondo and we'll discover together where dreaming big can take you.

These are the same folks who did the on-line photography class I did earlier this year and I loved the spirit and delivery system of the class. I can't tell you how excited I am to do this!

Midnight in Paris

The past couple of weeks have been consumed by planning for our trip to Europe in September. We are going to spend 5 days in Rome, 5 in Florence and 5 in Paris. This is a dream come true. The trip of a life time.

So far we have our flights booked to and from Europe using the miles we have been saving for the past 10+ years. First class there and back. That in and of itself is a treat. We fly from SFO to London and then from London to Rome. That flight is booked also.

From Rome, we'll take the train to Florence where we will stay in a little apartment we found on VRBO right near the Medici Chapel, very close to the Duomo. We'll likely do one or two day trips from there to Siena and possibly San Gimignano.

From Florence we will train to Pisa and then fly to Paris for our final leg of the trip and where we will spend our 22nd wedding anniversary.

OMG. Seriously?

Yes. The trip of a life time. Although we fully intend on going back a second and third time if we like any or all of the places we visit especially well, you never know, so we are treating it like a once in a lifetime trip.

Although Italy was the main destination, we ended up needing to fly home out of Paris and so the little girl in me who sat through three years of French class and dreamed of the day she would see the Champs-Élysées and Notre Dame and Hemmingway's Paris is giddy beyond belief.

I've taken to reading several blogs on a regular basis that are about various aspects of Parisian life. So far, my favorites are the Hip Paris Blog, The Little Brown Pen, Girl's Guide to Paris, and Lost in Cheeseland.

And I've begun talking to myself in French.

Parce que, je ne veux pas à regarder comme un idiot à Paris. Et parce que je l'aime !

A little time for me

 

Carpe diem....had to drop a co-worker off to pick up her car at 4pm and rather than go back to the office, I decided to take some time to sit with myself and just be. I took myself to my favorite wine bar, found a table outside and ordered a delicious flatbread and some chardonnay. I opened my journal and did some writing and enjoyed the afternoon. The whole exercise took exactly one hour and I felt very refreshed and relaxed. How often do we take these opportunities to pull back and just spend time with ourselves? Not often enough.

Woodside BBQ

Breaking out of our normal routine of Friday evening hang-outs, Dan and I found ourselves in the hills of Woodside at a BBQ hosted by our friend Bob. A wonderful evening of old-fashioned fun included a game of horse shoes, some tasty tri-tip, good wine, great friends and a couple of beautiful horses.

I used this opportunity to capture some photos that I would not otherwise have been able to get. The lighting was just right and I used some of my prompts from photography class to add to my rapidly growing collection.

The Weather Did Not Cooperate

The lesson/tip for today's photography class was to take advantage of the great light that you get in the hour before the sun sets, otherwise known as the "magical hour." That is when the light is warm and long shaddows are cast and things appear just a little more stunning than they normally would.

Alas, the few hours before sunset today in San Carlos were full of fog. No warm sunlight, no magical hour. Luckily, I has used my lunch hour to practice more of yesterday's "get a new perspective" prompt so I was able to snap a few more photos that I think are interesting. I'll have to wait for another day to get my sunset with the warm glow. Tomorrow is another day.

 

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Photography Class - Day 1

 First day of class jitters....what am I going to photograph? Is my camera good enough? Will I have enough time to really experiment?

I started my day taking some photos in the front yard as I was on my way out the door. I was surprised by the number of things I saw right off the bat and went to town. One of the assignments was to take a LOT of photos. Now that we have digital media, we don't have to worry about wasting film. My second venue was the lobby of the building I work in that has this beautiful orchid just screaming to photographed. It was an easy target.

I then went to lunch and took my camera with me. Instead of stopping and framing each shot, I just held the camera at my side and kept walking while I shot.

Nothing was perfection, but that is what life is about right? What I did learn was about perspective. Take a chance and photograph ordinary things from a different angle. Just being aware of the world around you as a potential subject makes you look at things differently. I have some decent work to show for at the end of the day and some fun trying new things.

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Taking Photos, Sharing Joy

I just signed up for an on-line photo "class" of sorts called SuperHero Photos. It is done by the same inspirational person who writes the SuperHero Journal. The course is several weeks long and is meant to help the participant see things differently and try new ways of taking photos. It's less of a technical "how to" and more of a "open your mind and your heart and capture what you see."

I'm also participating in HopeLab's Joy Campaign which is a 6 month endeavor to create and spread joy in celebration of their 10th anniversary. Because why wouldn't you want to create and spread joy?

There are interesting possibilities in the combination of these two activities and I look forward to sharing them with you here. I'll be posting my photos on flikr, with commentary and links here.

I'll need help along the way with some of the exercises that the photo class will be giving me, so prepare yourself. I hope that I can spread some joy in your world!

To begin this adventure, I'd like to share with you a favorite photo of my grandfather who knew how to find joy in every moment like no other person I've ever known. He knew how to have fun and how to make others feel special about themselves. I like that brand of joy.

Good Intentions

The road to hell was paved with good intentions, and so was my road to southern Asia. Here I am on the tail end of my trip and I've only done one post. This trip has been completely exhausting and I didn't have any time to do much reflecting let alone writing until the last couple of days. Those days, however, were spent keeping myself in a mental place than enabled me to get through the adversity. Bangladesh is a whole other ball of wax, my friends.

I will be spending the next many hours traveling home. From door to door it will take me 40 hours if everything goes well. I be trying to retrace my steps for you, including photos.

The Journey Begins

Written on the plane headed for Mumbai...I know I've been slow with the posting, but I don't have as much down time as I would like to do much reflecting. I have more airplane time tomorrow so perhaps I can squeeze out a better post tomorrow night!

Day 1- April 2, 2011

On board, headed to India via New Jersey. I really hope we don't pick up Snookie while we are there as 15 hours on an airplane would NOT be fun. I don't think she knows where India is anyway. She probably thinks it is somewhere near Ohio.

The trip of a lifetime is at my feet. I'm thankful that my spirit is open to it and that I'm in a good time of my life to do it. If this had been an opportunity for me 10 years ago, I don't think that I would have been as excited about it and it certainly would have been significantly less convenient for the family from a logistics point of view.

So as I leave my beloved city of San Francisco, headed for far away lands, I am soaking in the last minutes of familiar sights, sounds, smells, and tastes.  I leave behind the known and the comfortable. Other than a few people who I would love to have with me, I am leaving all this willingly and with an open mind and soul. Open to new experiences, new feelings, and new thoughts. I don't think I'll come back as the same person, but hopefully one who is just a bit more understanding of the world outside of San Carlos, CA.

New Jersey, here I come!

 
Several hours into the flight to NJ. Amazing lunch, shrimp cocktail, salad, fresh bread, steak, mashed potatoes, gravy, veggies. I decided to forego the dessert of an ice cream Sunday. I can only handle so much good food 30,000 feet in the air.

I'm seated across the isle from a Sikh gentleman and I'm reminded of the billions of people I'm about to visit who are, in some ways so very very different than I am. And yet I have a feeling I'm actually about to reaffirm my deep seeded belief of how very much alike we actually are.

I'm listening to an audiobook called "Connected...the surprising power of our social networks and how they shape our lives." It is mostly talking about how our actions effect people we don't, and may never know as the impact has a ripple affect. How if my friend's sister's Mom gains weight, I am more likely, statistically, to gain weight. If your cousin's wife's best friend commits a violent crime, you are more likely to do so as well. This phenomenon can make wonderful things happen and it can make awful things happen.

As I digest my steak, and the first chapter of this book, I am profoundly impacted by this somewhat simple notion. It reminds me of this wonderful Swahili word, Umbuntu which means,loosely, "My humanity is tied to yours." I learned of this word several years ago from one of the founders of the company I work for. The work we do is deeply seeded in the belief that every individual has the power to make a difference and that people are basically good. We invest in companies that are doing work ( in one way, shape or form) that empowers individuals to make their lives, and so the lives around them better. One of the principals we as an organization believe in is the power of people being connected to one another over some shared interest.

So no surprise that here I sit on a plane to India, one of the most population dense places on the face of the Earth, to experience first hand the work that our investees are doing to help people make their lives better. And I'm doing so while listening to this book, in particular.

What is profound to me right now is the meaning of this concept on a more personal level. The choices I make and the things I do have an effect not only the people connected to me directly, but also on all of the people they are connected to, and so on. The power of the individual to create a ripple effect for good, or not, is a huge responsibility. I must choose how I am going to use that knowledge. How must I act, and what must I do to begin a ripple of goodness and humanity in the world around me?

You've seen those commercials where one person witnesses an act of kindness and then instinctively commits another act of kindness towards someone else in a different situation. This doesn't just happen to the receiver of the good deed, but to the people who simply witness kindness. Oprah did a whole awareness campaign around random acts of kindness and others have done similar things to perpetuate goodness. All of this is related to the same idea.

And I think that in order to fix the problems in the world, we can't just decide to do no harm, we must commit to actively setting off as many positive ripples into the world as are humanly able. Big ones and small ones alike. From a simple unexpected smile to a stranger to helping a loved one through a life-threatening illness to responding to a disaster situation with help,time and money.

I must treat those around me, ALL OF THEM, NOT SOME OF THEM, with the kindness and care that I want to see perpetuated across the globe.

The power of a network is not about each of the individuals in the network. The more important and powerful aspect is the nature and strength of the connections BETWEEN each of the nodes in the network. People are connected for different reasons. They are family, they live in the same communities, their kids go to the same schools, they work for the same company, they participate in the same hobbies, they enjoy the same kind of food or art, they support the same baseball team. People become connected over some shared interest.

Beginning decent into New Jersey...it's been an enlightening journey already.