What's That You Say, Mrs. Robinson?

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Day One:

I woke to the sound of Canada Geese at 9:19am. 

Two things about this are remarkable to me. The preparation for the move we made yesterday has been exhausting. Although Dan has done most of the work for the past many months, the last week of packing up or disposing of twenty five years of living has been physically hard for me. I can still feel the effects of my chemo treatments; the fatigue, foot pain, and lack of physical movement and stamina are clear and present reminders of what I just went through. After waking yesterday at 5:30am and a twelve hour drive, I fell asleep just a little after 10pm last night. I drifted off, no, crashed hard while listening to the sound of the water lapping against the bulkhead and slept straight through until 9:19 this morning. A long, well-deserved, deep sleep.

And the Canada Geese. I always feel weird calling them that. Feels like it should be Canadian Geese. Either way, they are a sound I would not have heard waking up in San Carlos. Crows, song birds, a train, a helicopter, maybe even Seagulls were part of my morning soundtrack there. The sound of Canada Geese in the morning is a signal that Toto is not in Kansas any more. 

It is these kinds of signals that I want to be present for. Signals that remind me where I am. That I'm no longer where I have been for the last twenty five years. That things are different. Really different.

Not because I don't like where I was. I loved it very much. And now it's time for different. I want different and I want to spend each day awake to what is new and to feel the new chapters of my life unfold just as they should.

In Harmony With Your Spirit

"A Woman in harmony with her spirit
is like a river flowing.
She goes where she will without pretense and arrives at her destination
prepared to be herself
and only herself "
— Maya Angelou

 

In harmony with your spirit. Reflection + Action. Knowing what it is that your spirit is singing and creating your reality around that. That. How do you come to understand THAT? 

Listening. Your spirit talks to you in many ways. Are you listening? Create space for the listening. Physical space. Time space. Emotional space. 

Letting the river flow. It goes where it may. It is moving and changing and dancing and singing. It is moving forward, sometimes slowly and smoothly and sometimes rapidly and over rocks. But always moving. 

Without pretense, no need for pretending. No desire to be something other than what is. Unapologetically. For reelz. 

Arriving as yourself. You get what you see. Nothing more. Nothing hidden. Nothing disguised. Arriving. 

In harmony

 

What Isolation is Making Me Think About

So much has been running through my head during this COVID-19 "shelter-in-place" process. I've been journaling in several different places, but not here for some reason. 

Observing what is happening and how people are reacting has kept my mind and soul reeling. This is an extraordinary time. Extra Ordinary. There is the observing what is happening around me, out in the world and then there is the introspection. 

Here is what I'm thinking about.

Physical Touch 

What strikes me most today, after just yesterday getting the additional order that this will continue until at least May 3rd, is the long-term effects of isolation. Two or three weeks is one thing. Two or three months is a whole other ballgame. I'm worried especially for people who are living alone. And especially more for those living alone who don't have pets. 

Physical touch is important to humans. I know this intuitively and am now set on doing some research about the effects of not having that touch for long periods of time. I worry about the mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being of people who are having to go without physical touch for months. 

Meaningful Connection

I watched a video this morning on Instagram from Glennon Doyle that really spoke to me regarding the phenomenon of feeling connected to people you are far away from and feeling disconnected from people you are physically close to. You know that phenomenon of feeling completely alone in a room full of people? Anyway, she made an important point about connectedness not being related to physical proximity. 

In the past three weeks, I have had more contact with more people, virtually, than I have had in a long time. Now granted, I went through chemotherapy for seven months prior to this, so my contact with folks was really limited during that time. And maybe that is why this sticks out for me. I have almost daily group video calls with extended family, weekly video calls with my BFFs from high school, daily sing-along video calls with a couple of former co-workers and LOTS of people I've never met, phone calls with family, co-workers and other friends. 

And it's not just "going through the motions" connection. It's real. It's deep. We are being vulnerable with each other. We are seeing each other not in our polished states, but in our hunkered down at home states. Glennon Doyle talks about this in her video linked above and I feel it. I see it. It's remarkable and it's critical to my well-being.

Social media is also providing connection even more than before. People are engaging there in ways they haven't before. Sharing funny things, expressing concerns and asking for help. People who are normally just "lurkers" are now engaging because they are sitting at home for days and weeks on end. 

This thing, this social distancing because of the COVID-19 pandemic, is a global shared experience that is tangible. It really seems like people are experiencing a global connectedness in way that they haven't been able to feel before. To some people, that comes naturally, but now it's almost forced. I hear over and over again, "We are all in this together."

The virus knows no boarders, no race, no age, no gender. It's an equal opportunity infector and in a very real way, what I do effects you and vice versa. 

I hope this continues beyond this crisis. I'm making a note to myself, a challenge to myself, to keep this going after we are all able to finally come out of our homes and roam freely in the world. 

Time

Tell me if this sounds familiar. "I'd love to do X, I just don't have the time to really spend on that right now." 

Folks who are going through this with kids may NOT have a lot of additional time on their hands. But even they probably do have some nuggets of time that they have because they aren't commuting, aren't getting stuck in a meeting at the office, aren't running out to this conference or that event. There is SOME kind of time that is now spent at home. 

I find myself having a LOT of extra time. This is in part due to my transition out of the working world, but it absolutely is also related to COVID-19 and the ensuing isolation. While we are still busy packing and getting the house ready for our renters and I'm still engaged with some work on a daily basis, I absolutely do have a lot more time on my hands. 

Time has always been a luxury for me and now I find that I have time abundance. What are the things that I've said I wish I had time for? So, so many things. 

Because curiosity and learning are two of my values and strengths, I signed up for two classes via Coursera. One is a class taught at Yale called "The Science of Happiness" and the other is called "Modern Art & Ideas" done by The Museum of Modern Art. I've just barely dipped my toes into each of them and they have already brought me so much joy. 

This kind of activity isn't for everyone. Think about the things that you have wished you had time for. "I wish I had the time to teach my kids how to cook things" or to "get on the floor and play legos with them in a really engaged way." Or "I wish I had time to talk to my grandma and ask her about what it was like when she was growing up." Or "I wish I had time to read all of the books on my shelf." Or "I wish I had time to take a nap." Or "I wish I had time to learn the words to (insert rap song here)."

Get it? 

You will probably never have more time than you do right now. And let's face it, the distraction away from the news and the sadness and anxiety going on in the world right now might be really good for you. 

We ARE in this together and if we can emerge from this closer to each other and/or closer to ourselves in a positive way, the world will be a better place. Silver linings and all. 

 

What have you done for the good of the group today?

Stardate March 17, 2020

Captain's Log:    COVID-19 Shelter-In-Place Day 1

I've always wanted to do that. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo by Dan Meyers on Unsplash

Information and insights into the virus itself is available everywhere. I don't need to document that here as well. Google it (this is a note to my future self more than anything).

Waking up this morning in a bizzarro world. The entire Bay Area is in a shelter in place situation. How people react to this new reality is a social experiment providing insights into ourselves and each other if we pay attention. 

I'm paying attention. 

Leading up to this we've seen a hoarding and stockpiling mentality that is a bit troublesome. It highlights those who center around fear. The "OMG if I don't have massive amounts of this thing I'm not going to be able to get it later and I might die" kind of fear. I'm not making fun of people who think and feel this way. I'm observing it and if any judgement is rendered it is one of sadness. I'm sorry you feel that. I'm sorry that for some reason you are so afraid and have so little faith in your neighbors, community, and society that you think you will be alone and unable to survive. 

That is not the world I want to live in. And it's a world that I refuse to live in. If, in fact, this turns out to be the apocalypse and people with guns come bursting through the door to steal what I have and I don't survive, then so be it. You can have that world. Adios. I've seen this mentality pop up in memes recently and it doesn't scare me. It truly breaks my heart.

The opposite reactions are also happening and thankfully, they are the more abundant right now. Or maybe the people I have chosen to connect with as my community are inherently more compassion oriented. The Ubuntu people. 

I am, because we are.

I see people offering to help each other. Our realtor up in Washington has put out repeated offers to run errands, do grocery shopping and deliver to people who can't get out to do things like that. Another friend has offered free coaching sessions, using her incredible talents to help people work through how to manage. A local therapist offering the services of her group of counselors, at little or no cost, to help people who need professional mental health assistance and bins of food in the waiting room if you need that kind of help also. Neighbors asking each other as we pass by on our walks "How are you doing? Do you need anything?"

The father of a dear friend of ours used to ask his family and friends each day "What have you done for the good of the group today?" Let me repeat that:

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR THE GOOD OF THE GROUP TODAY?"

Define "group" however you like. Your household. Your extended family. Your neighborhood. Your town. Your co-workers. Your country. Your world.

Now, more than ever, asking this question and seeking to answer it in meaningful ways is critical to our ability thrive. The what you've done may be big, it may be small. And I'll offer this: doing things for other people out of the kindness of your heart is good for YOU. There is all kinds of science that shows that doing things for other people increases our own happiness and sense of well-being. I've experienced this first hand when I've felt particularly sad and blue. One tiny little gesture of kindness toward another really does lift your spirits. 

This is the world I choose to live in. The one I choose to create. 

Won't you be my neighbor?

 

 

The One Where Her Head Gets Shaved

Day 18 after chemo treatment number one. My hair was coming out in clumps the night before and it felt awful. It felt like I was broken. Like I was falling apart. On the advice of other women on YouTube who have gone through the same thing, I took charge and made the decision to shave it off. 

It was brilliant advice. After a night and then morning of feeling sort of down and a bit anxious, I asked Dan to go buy clippers and asked Deidra to do the honors. D's daughter Sam graciously agreed to video the process. It was a beautiful, sunny, warm fall day in our backyard when I send au revoir to my cheveux (hair). Goodbye for now. See you in 2020. 

Catching Up

Wishing I had posted during the journey over the past couple of weeks, but instead will catch up now. I'm just a few days from round 2 of chemo and feeling good so I'm finding the energy to write. 

All in all, the first round was uneventful and pretty much as expected. That's not to say that as I was going through the worst of the pain on days 3, 4, and 5 that I was feeling good by any stretch. It's just to say that all of the side effects were normal and the duration was normal. The worst was day 4 (the day I receive the chemo is considered day 1) and there were times when I honestly thought I might never feel good ever again. It was all pain related but no real nausea. The only nausea I felt was because the pain was so bad on day 4. My oncology nurse pleaded with me to take my prescription pain meds during these days the next time around when I told her I had only taken Tylenol and some edibles this time. I have to admit, I agree.

My most lingering side effects are constant dry-mouth and some pain in my feet, likely neuropathy. I'm managing both just fine for now. My energy is good in the morning and then falls fast in the late afternoon and evening. I take naps if I can. I always struggle with anemia and chemo makes this even more difficult. Eating well becomes difficult when your mouth and everything you put in it tastes like metal for days. Taking iron supplements isn't an option because it causes constipation and most of the other meds I have to take do too, so you don't want to make that even worse. No-sir-ee. 

My hair started falling out a bit on day 15 just as the nurse predicted. It then started coming out in clumps late on day 17. Thank the universe that Deidra was by my side when that happened. My hairdresser was out of town for the weekend, so Dan went and got clippers and Deidra shaved my head as close as possible on the morning of day 18. I can't tell you how much better I felt emotionally once that was done. I'll post the video here in the next entry.

My next treatment is this coming Thursday, Oct. 17th. It is likely that many of the side effects will compound over time and treatments, so each time will be a new experience. I've been focusing on gathering my strength in preparation by eating well, getting exercise every day (walking mostly, but I hope to start doing some light yoga soon) and resting as much as I can.

So, here we go again. A little wiser and more prepared. My dear friend Kelly reminded me that after this next treatment I'll be 33% of the way done! What a great way to look at it. Here are some photos from the last couple of weeks: 

 

 

Pre-chemo check up with the oncology nurse. Feeling sassy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just before the Benadryl kicked in. Chemo day 1.

 

 

 

 

Day 3. In bed with all of my supplies nearby. Sugar free hard candies to combat the awful taste in my mouth. Plenty of water. Essential oils. Lip balm. Body lotion. Tylenol. TV remote.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Day 15. Goodbye hair party complete with Veuve and my better half.

 

Sharpening the Axe

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe."
— Abraham Lincoln

We are sharpening the axe right now for sure. There is a lot to be done to prepare for my first chemo treatment on the 26th. Dan and I are busy researching, procuring, and discussing all of the bits and pieces necessary to give me every advantage I can possibly have. As we go about this process, I can't help but think of people who go through this alone or without the financial means to have the kind of choices I have. It breaks my heart has me thinking about what can be done to help those people. Much more thinking and research to be done on that front. 

What we are doing (axe sharpening):

1) Dan took a trip to a dispensary yesterday (thank you, California for making this easier than it otherwise would be). Over the next two weeks I will be trying out some things to help me manage pain and nausea and to help with my ability to sleep. There are so many options available here and you just don't know what will work best for you until you try. I'm keeping a log of doses, times, effects etc. so that I can decide what will work best for me once I start my treatments.

2) We went shopping to find some really comfy "loungewear" that I can wear to chemo treatments and around the house to be as comfortable as possible. It doesn't hurt to have a new outfit, no matter how modest, to help you feel good. We found some things made of incredibly soft fabrics and with easy fits that will allow for my port to be accessed easily (a port is something that they will insert into my chest so that they don't have to do a new IV for each chemo treatment which is important for my tiny and difficult veins).

3) I put together a calendar for Dan and I to share (via Google Calendar) with all of the details of all of my appointments, when I need to get lab work done, when I need to take which medications etc. It's a LOT to keep track of and getting this all nailed down BEFORE treatments begin gives me confidence and a feeling of control.

4) We went to Whole Foods to stock up on some good stuff to help nourish both of us during this process. 

5) We'll make a trip to CVS tomorrow to pick up my FIVE prescriptions waiting there and to get other things I'll need along the way

6) Also to be done: Reading materials to be gathered, portable art supplies to organize, playlists to be made, food ideas and recipes to gather to ensure that I can eat well and maintain strength.

For all of the planning and research and discussing, I'm well aware that there will be surprises, changes, unforeseen obsticles and other challenges that we'll face. The best we can do is to be prepared for what we can so that we have the energy to make the shifts we'll need to make when they present themselves. 

I'm OK to Go!

I've decided to resurrect my old blog in part as a communication tool to update people in my life about my current situation, but also as a tool and outlet for myself. If you know me well, you know I tend to be pretty transparent about myself, for better, or worse. If you don't know me well, this will become more clear in the coming months. This journey I'm embarking on is in no way unique, unfortunately. Way too many people have gone through this already, and too many will follow. Perhaps there is a nugget I will share here that will help you or someone you know down the line. 

Here is where I am: 

Three weeks ago I had a surgery to remove a cyst on my right ovary. Ultimately, I ended up having everything removed - both ovaries and tubes, uterus, cervix, lymph nodes in the area and a whole bunch of endometriosis related tissue that was all over my abdomen. They tried to do it laparoscopically, but to be thorough, had to open me up completely. I've since been recovering with about a 12 inch vertical incision. Anyone who has had abdominal surgery knows how hard it is to heal from this. You really find out how much you use your core on a minute by minute basis. My recovery is moving right along. Slower than I would like, but then I can be really impatient with myself sometimes. I'm actually right on track.

Here's the kicker.

The cyst on my ovary was cancer. It appeared contained and a biopsy of all of the other "stuff" they took out showed zero cancer anywhere else, including (WHEW) my lymph nodes. If you have any experience with cancer though, you know that you are never 100% sure. I'm young and healthy and have a long life to live yet, so we've decided to be aggressive and treat this with a round of chemotherapy. Some might disagree on this approach and I can respect that. I have decided to do it because it's the right path for me. 

As we've shared the news with family and close friends, the questions I get the most are "Are you ready for this? Are you OK? This is kind of scary, are you sure you are up for this?" To these questions, I offer the following clip from one of my very favorite movies of all time, Contact. (If you've never seen it, SEE IT. It's on Netflix). It's not just the words that apply, but the whole vibe of this scene. I have a lot of trusted people in my control room, all playing a different role, but all with a common purpose. A special nod to Dan, my head of mission control, who has been down this road before and who has been an absolute angel by my side already. Although there is the unknown, some fear and full knowledge that what's ahead is going to really rough, I want to send the message loud and clear, just the way that Jody Foster's character is here:

I imagine that I'll document my journey, or parts of it, here for anyone who is interested. Because my day to day energy and head-space is at the top of my priority list, I don't know how often I'll post but this is my plan anyway.

I'm certain that some of you have either direct or second hand experience with this and will have some advice or other nuggets of info to share. Please DO! I'm all ears. While I'm attacking this with the western medicine approach, I'm also very much including other approaches in my treatment and care plan: meditation, essential oils, art therapy, counseling, salt lamps, yoga (when I'm physically able). I will consider anything. Bring it. 

Because, I'm OK to go!

 

The Day I Decided to Write Again

I'm not sure where I'm going so I'm just going to start and see what happens. I haven't written much of anything except job descriptions and emails and policies for the past several years. I miss my blog...a lot. It gave me a reason to do some introspection and expression and I realize now how much I like and need both. 

Lyon, France 2016

 

The photo I chose here is from the football (soccer) stadium in Lyon, France. Taken during our trip in June/July of this year. It was France vs. Ireland. The country I love vs. the country of my people. I'm sighing as I write this...remembering what a wonderful trip this was. More on that trip later. 

My feeling of wanting to write again comes, I believe, most recently from a book I'm reading (listening to).  Amongst other things, one of the topics is about the need for people to maintain a self. A separate part of themselves not tied to their kids, spouse etc. in order to continue growing and playing and being as an independent soul. A person. Not a wife, mother, daughter, employee etc. And it occurs to me that I have been neglecting a part of my self. Writing used to give me an avenue to think to myself, about myself and my interests regardless of what others expect or need of me.

 

So here I am. I've grown and changed in many ways since I last kept up this blog.

• I've done a LOT more traveling.
• I've been at my "new" job for almost 3 years now.
• I've started painting.
• I belong to a museum.
• I joined a new book club.
• I became gravely ill and rebounded (mostly)
• I lost my Mother-in-law

I'm sure I've missed something important...

And so with this....I'm giving myself permission...to express...explore...declare...try...discover...

 

 

Parade Route Tells The Truth

For my own access later and for posterity...the link to the video showing the parade route that shows what #notmypresident 's support actually looks like. More to come on this and other thoughts as I resurrect my long-neglected blog.

#itwasthefloorcoveringpic.twitter.com/Y4yZ0V7LCl

— Leo Thomas McGarry (@LeoMcGarry) January 22, 2017

 

Spring Has Sprung

It is WAY too early for this, but since it has happened....Let's enjoy it.

This tree shouldn't be blooming until the end of March. But here in northern California we have almost completely skipped winter and gone right to spring. We are in the midst of a horrible drought with water rationing and lots of warm, sunny weather. I fear for the agriculture industry.

However, in the spirit of appreciating what is, rather than stressing about what isn't or what is supposed to be...may I offer you this bit of beauty.

If you can't stop and smell the roses....well....you know how that goes.

I'm grateful on this day for bits of beauty and for this glorious weather and that this bit of nature is present right in my front yard.

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The Coke Ad and Why I Love the USA

Outraged by the Coke ad during the Superbowl?

You bet I was. Not because of the ad itself but because of the reaction it got.

It showed the US and Americans from coast to coast, border to border. It very accurately depicted people of all colors, religions, and cultures singing America the Beautiful in several different languages. That IS America.

What shocked me was the immediate reaction it got. "What? That's not America!" and "What's with all of the different languages, we speak English here" and even "That's bullshit."

Have we completely forgotten why and how the US was formed? Have we completely abandoned all of the principals on which this nation was founded?

From the poem by Emma Lazarus which adorns our beloved Statue of Liberty:

"From her beacon-hand
Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.
"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

"Glows world-wide welcome" doesn't mean "Come on over but only if you speak English or plan to learn it right away. Oh and by the way, you have to stop doing all of those things that remind you of where you came from. Stop speaking your language and stop wearing clothing that represents other countries or religions.  No more quinceanaras or Chinese New Year celebrations. Unless you want to have a St. Patrick's Day parade. That's OK because it is based on white, Christian, English speaking traditions."

The poem was written in 1883, well after our country was founded, but it exemplifies the spirit of the day. Why do we think that it should be different today? What are we so afraid of?

There is, of course an economic impact of immigration, legal or otherwise. But that's not what sparked the reaction to the ad. The reactions were based on what people heard and saw in the moment. Why does an America with many cultures, colors, languages, sexual orientation and religions frighten people so?

And let's be clear. Negative reactions to differences are based in fear. Fear of what is not understood. Fear that if you are different it must mean you are automatically either better or worse than the other.

Nobody is better or worse than anyone else based on culture, color etc. It is our actions that differentiate us from one another. Period.

I, for one, loved the ad. It made me proud to be an American. It made me visualize how diverse and eclectic and culturally rich we are.

It reminded me of the Coke ad from the '70's that sang about "I'd like to buy the world a Coke" only it showed that you don't even have to tavel outside of the US to "buy the world a Coke" because the world is right here. THIS is the America that I want to live in and that I'm glad that my children have grown up in and that I want my grandchildren to enjoy and be proud of. This nation that holds so much wealth of diversity is exactly why I'm proud to say that I'm an American and damn it, I loved that ad.

Don't Let the Day Get Away

With less than 2 weeks between today and our trip to London and Paris, I could easily be just marking time. Counting the days and going on auto pilot until the magical day.

Life is too short for that nonsense. Yes, I'm counting the days. I'm also enjoying the beautiful Northern California sunshine. Filling my hours with music and books and great friends. Today is today and it is the greatest gift I have been given.

Snacking on summer peaches and nectarines, listening to Kenny Chesney sing about guitars and tiki bars, all in the name of carpe diem. The sun on my shoulders and the memory of a wonderful dinner with close friends from last night remind me that although I may have great things coming in the future, I also have beauty around me right here, right now.

Download 2-04 Guitars And Tiki Bars

And this random photo is just that. It is one of the very few photos of my tatoo taken on Lanikai Beach in Hawaii a few years ago. I just like it.

 

Closer I Am to Fine

"I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine. " - Indigo Girls

I'm about to turn 46 and I've had some turbulent years in terms of "finding myself." What I didn't know then is that I didn't need to find myself. I was there all along. I just needed to strip away all of the bullshit that was floating around in my head and listen to my soul for a while.

"Oh, THERE you are."

"I was here all along. You just forgot where I was and what I looked like."

"I remember now. Nice to see you again. Let's hang out for a while."

"Deal. I'm not going anywhere without you."

Batton Down the Hatches

Trying to get a handle on the coming week and it's a completely mixed bag. Here's what's on tap:

Monday: Fixing the drip system, celebrating a birthday with a friend, getting ready for the rest of the week

Tuesday: Chiropracter appointment, Memorial Service for TC (who fought a 24 year battle with brain cancer), Healthy Cities Tutoring rcognition event

Wednesday: Tutoring, meeting with a peer coach

Thursday: Lunch with Mom and her cousin in the city

Friday: Hair appointment, Darren's band playing a gig in RWC

Saturday: Help get Dan ready to go to a big conference in LA

Sunday: Breath

And during the next couple of days I also have to tend to: Doing a summary of things we need to buy/book for our upcoming Europe and sending out to the rest of the family...get a handle on the summer social event arrangements (sponsors, venue).

Putting it all down here helps me wrap my head around it. My perimenopausal hormones are in full force right now and just keeping an evel keel is an on-going battle. Luckily I'm surrounded by caring, patient people and I don't have a tone of day to day responsibilities so really I'll be fine.

And just for the hell of it...a photo share. This is the rooster than resides in my MIL's yard in Hawaii (he is wild....not her choice to have him there). Beautiful but annoying at 4:30am.

Writing and Art

I needto get back into a writing habit without stressing over how cool or relevant the topic. What seems to inspire me is looking at photos I've taken over the past many years and recalling something about the moment or going with a thought or feeling that the photo provokes.

I recently went to the Bouquets to Art exhibit at the de Young Museum in San Francisco. I went by myself. Floating between the exhibits, I lingered over the ones that captured my eye and my soul and skipped over those that did not. It was a few hours of pure self-indulgence and it was gratifying. So many of the exhibits were stunning. Some were just nice and some were odd. A little bit of everything. Just how I like it.

I will be doing this again. Soon.

 

 

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What will I bring?

A wise woman, with whom I was having lunch today, gave me a great suggestion in preparation for meeting my dad for the first time later this evening.

She suggested that I spend a few minutes either in my head or on paper thinking about not what I was expecting out of our meeting, but rather about what I wanted to bring to the moment. What kind of energy am I going to possess? Center myself around my inner being and visualize where I want to be after all is said and done, regardless of what actually transpires. I'm doing this here in real time, so bear with me.

I want to bring an energy that is open to whatever needs to happen. Energy that is whole and not broken because that is who I am at the very core. I am not looking to be healed, I am not looking for answers to any questions. I am simply open to the human being in front of me and learning who and how he is. If we only have the few moments in front of us and nothing further, that that's OK. If we find a connection and share a part of our lives moving forward, then that's OK, too. It will unfold as it should.

I want to bring acceptance and understanding and vulnerability. I want to bring joy and abundance because I have so much of both.

I don't have expectations about the outcome, but I am visualizing how I want to be at the end of this weekend:

I will come away from this experience as whole as I entered it. I may be exhasuted, I may be invigorated, but either way, I will be whole. I will be richer for having experienced this time with this person. I will grow somehow closer to those that are already so close to me because we will have had this experience together. I will learn something from this person and this experience. I don't know what that is yet, but I will.

I will feel whatever I feel, and I'll be a better person for it.

 

The Art and The Joy

Although it has been brewing for quite a while, I have recently felt a resurgence for wanting to do more cooking. Not just the regular stuff. New stuff. Trying new recipes and techniques and actually picking up some skills is what is really appealing to me right now.

It is highly likely that this cooking bug has been fueled by my recent trip to Italy and France. The food in both places was TO DIE FOR and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. I also feel the need to get into the classics rather than just looking for fun recipes on-line the way I usually do. There is something about working from a good cookbook that just feels right.

I have a copy of The Joy of Cooking written by Irma Rombauer (her family also makes my favorite chardonnay). Actually, I have two copies. One that my Mom gave me in 2006 (the 75th anniversary edition) and the copy she got when she was married back in 1970. Sadly, I must admit that other than looking to it for a few basic technique questions, I haven't used either much. Today, however, I can't pull myself away from it as I'm discovering all of the treasures inside. From 'Sweet Potato and Peanut Stew' to 'Skillet Corn Bread' to 'Spicy Chinese Slaw', there seems to be an endless suply of delicious things to work on.

What I don't yet have is the quintisential Mastering the Art of French Cooking by the immortal Julia Child. Have no fear, I bought a copy yesterday on eBay that was printed in 1967 which is also the year I was born. I should have it in my hot little hands in the coming week. I wanted a used copy instead of a new one. I think, perhaps, they have more soul.

I aspire to get straight to work on that one by attempting the crown jewel, boeuf bourguignon. Julia's boef bourguignon. Yes, I saw the movie. Several times. J'adore. I figure, why not? If I can do that, I can do a lot of things. I will NOT however be trying an aspic or boiling lobster any time soon. I wouldn't want to eat either once cooked, so why waste my time? I'm sure there are plenty of other treats between the covers.

And yes, this indulgence is enabled in large part by my continued sabbatical. It's October 9th and I'm still taking time off.

Bon appétit!

Black and Whites - Few and Far Between

Although I tend to be drawn by color when I take photos, I do love black and whites. There is actually more drama in most of them. More feeling. More of a story. Perhaps it is the "what is left to the imagination" phenominon. Whatever it is, just the exercise of putting these few together to post here has made me want to seek out more B&W subjects. 

I think Paris would be a fantastic place to do that, don't you? Good thing I'm leaving for Italy and Paris in a couple of weeks.

 

 The photos below were taken (in order) in/at:

- A Buddhist temple in Maui
- My Gym
- Hard Rock Casino Las Vegas, Kenny Chesney concert
- Van Ness Street, San Francisco (both of the last two)

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Recent Favorite Photos

 I haven't posted most of my photos from the past several months. Not sure why, but as browsed around some other blogs yesterday that had some amazing photos, I decided it was time to put together some of what I consider my best.

One is on a beach in Hawaii, a couple are from a farmer's market in San Francisco, a couple more from around the city, and one is of a ballroom dancer at a competition I went to.

As I look at this grouping I see that I'm partial to color. Lots of it. I do have some others that are black and white and sepia, but most of what I seem to be drawn to is color. I'll post the B&W ones tomorrow, but for now I hope you enjoy the colorburst below.

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