What's That You Say, Mrs. Robinson?

I Feel A Shift

Time will tell, but I am sensing a shift in my quest to become a writer. I have never been disciplined enough, as evidenced by my on-again off-again blog posting here, to really convince myself that writing is something I can do on a regular basis.

It has come in fits and starts. Each time I tell myself that this is the time I'm going to get serious. I'm not going to beat myself up here for not following through. I am however, acknowledging my serial inconsistency. 

Last November I participated in NaNoWriMo for the first time in earnest. I only got about two weeks in, but I did manage to write over 30,000 words of my novel. I added on to that a bit a few months later, but it has gone largely untouched since then. I've done some editing and re-reading to familiarize myself with where I was going, but not much new material has been created. 

And so as I prep to participate again this year as a way to get back to work, I find that the law of attraction is at work. I have somehow begun to surround myself with "real" writers as part of my crew. A friend I made last year here in Sayulita, Mexico has sent me his screenplay and asked me to be a beta reader. Another writer, one who had an on-line workshop I took several years ago called Mondo Beyondo, has a book coming out in November and has asked me to be on her book launch team (to post reviews, do social media posts about the book etc) in exchange for an extra copy of the book that I can either give to a friend or do a give-away on my FB or IG accounts.

I'm also playing with another idea to publish a short book and a supplemental workbook and one-pagers on redefining retirement. That one I will self-publish and work on creating some passive income streams. Of course I am having a conversation with myself about focus and not constantly letting new shinny object projects distract from my novel, but I'm really excited about this one and think it would be a good supplement to the kind of writing I need to do in the novel. If I can get it published, it might also give me some publishing cred for when I attempt to find an agent and a publishing house for my novel.

For the first time, I really do feel like I am a writer. Of course, I always have been. A writer is someone who writes and I've been doing this blog for 17 * gulp * years now. But right now, because I have put more time, effort, and energy towards writing for the past year (NOT evidenced here in this blog), I feel like I've taken a big leap. Opportunities are starting to come to me to do writer-type activities and I'm attracting new relationships with people who also write. 

I feel the shift and it is welcome. And I've worked for it. And I deserve it. 

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

Day One:

I woke to the sound of Canada Geese at 9:19am. 

Two things about this are remarkable to me. The preparation for the move we made yesterday has been exhausting. Although Dan has done most of the work for the past many months, the last week of packing up or disposing of twenty five years of living has been physically hard for me. I can still feel the effects of my chemo treatments; the fatigue, foot pain, and lack of physical movement and stamina are clear and present reminders of what I just went through. After waking yesterday at 5:30am and a twelve hour drive, I fell asleep just a little after 10pm last night. I drifted off, no, crashed hard while listening to the sound of the water lapping against the bulkhead and slept straight through until 9:19 this morning. A long, well-deserved, deep sleep.

And the Canada Geese. I always feel weird calling them that. Feels like it should be Canadian Geese. Either way, they are a sound I would not have heard waking up in San Carlos. Crows, song birds, a train, a helicopter, maybe even Seagulls were part of my morning soundtrack there. The sound of Canada Geese in the morning is a signal that Toto is not in Kansas any more. 

It is these kinds of signals that I want to be present for. Signals that remind me where I am. That I'm no longer where I have been for the last twenty five years. That things are different. Really different.

Not because I don't like where I was. I loved it very much. And now it's time for different. I want different and I want to spend each day awake to what is new and to feel the new chapters of my life unfold just as they should.

The Day I Decided to Write Again

I'm not sure where I'm going so I'm just going to start and see what happens. I haven't written much of anything except job descriptions and emails and policies for the past several years. I miss my blog...a lot. It gave me a reason to do some introspection and expression and I realize now how much I like and need both. 

Lyon, France 2016

 

The photo I chose here is from the football (soccer) stadium in Lyon, France. Taken during our trip in June/July of this year. It was France vs. Ireland. The country I love vs. the country of my people. I'm sighing as I write this...remembering what a wonderful trip this was. More on that trip later. 

My feeling of wanting to write again comes, I believe, most recently from a book I'm reading (listening to).  Amongst other things, one of the topics is about the need for people to maintain a self. A separate part of themselves not tied to their kids, spouse etc. in order to continue growing and playing and being as an independent soul. A person. Not a wife, mother, daughter, employee etc. And it occurs to me that I have been neglecting a part of my self. Writing used to give me an avenue to think to myself, about myself and my interests regardless of what others expect or need of me.

 

So here I am. I've grown and changed in many ways since I last kept up this blog.

• I've done a LOT more traveling.
• I've been at my "new" job for almost 3 years now.
• I've started painting.
• I belong to a museum.
• I joined a new book club.
• I became gravely ill and rebounded (mostly)
• I lost my Mother-in-law

I'm sure I've missed something important...

And so with this....I'm giving myself permission...to express...explore...declare...try...discover...

 

 

Don't Let the Day Get Away

With less than 2 weeks between today and our trip to London and Paris, I could easily be just marking time. Counting the days and going on auto pilot until the magical day.

Life is too short for that nonsense. Yes, I'm counting the days. I'm also enjoying the beautiful Northern California sunshine. Filling my hours with music and books and great friends. Today is today and it is the greatest gift I have been given.

Snacking on summer peaches and nectarines, listening to Kenny Chesney sing about guitars and tiki bars, all in the name of carpe diem. The sun on my shoulders and the memory of a wonderful dinner with close friends from last night remind me that although I may have great things coming in the future, I also have beauty around me right here, right now.

Download 2-04 Guitars And Tiki Bars

And this random photo is just that. It is one of the very few photos of my tatoo taken on Lanikai Beach in Hawaii a few years ago. I just like it.

 

Closer I Am to Fine

"I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore. 

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine. " - Indigo Girls

I'm about to turn 46 and I've had some turbulent years in terms of "finding myself." What I didn't know then is that I didn't need to find myself. I was there all along. I just needed to strip away all of the bullshit that was floating around in my head and listen to my soul for a while.

"Oh, THERE you are."

"I was here all along. You just forgot where I was and what I looked like."

"I remember now. Nice to see you again. Let's hang out for a while."

"Deal. I'm not going anywhere without you."

What will I bring?

A wise woman, with whom I was having lunch today, gave me a great suggestion in preparation for meeting my dad for the first time later this evening.

She suggested that I spend a few minutes either in my head or on paper thinking about not what I was expecting out of our meeting, but rather about what I wanted to bring to the moment. What kind of energy am I going to possess? Center myself around my inner being and visualize where I want to be after all is said and done, regardless of what actually transpires. I'm doing this here in real time, so bear with me.

I want to bring an energy that is open to whatever needs to happen. Energy that is whole and not broken because that is who I am at the very core. I am not looking to be healed, I am not looking for answers to any questions. I am simply open to the human being in front of me and learning who and how he is. If we only have the few moments in front of us and nothing further, that that's OK. If we find a connection and share a part of our lives moving forward, then that's OK, too. It will unfold as it should.

I want to bring acceptance and understanding and vulnerability. I want to bring joy and abundance because I have so much of both.

I don't have expectations about the outcome, but I am visualizing how I want to be at the end of this weekend:

I will come away from this experience as whole as I entered it. I may be exhasuted, I may be invigorated, but either way, I will be whole. I will be richer for having experienced this time with this person. I will grow somehow closer to those that are already so close to me because we will have had this experience together. I will learn something from this person and this experience. I don't know what that is yet, but I will.

I will feel whatever I feel, and I'll be a better person for it.

 

Sabbatical - Day 25 - The fog is clearing

I'm not counting weekend days, by the way. I know it's a little confusing, but that's how I see it.

 

It's been five weeks since my last day of work. This week has been the first week that I have felt even a little "normal." The first four weeks felt more like a time for watching and waiting. Watching what and waiting for what, I'm not sure. But that's what it was.

I did get some things accomplished in those weeks. I've lost some weight and, more importantly, gotten stronger and healthier by making a good workout the focus of each day and by taking the time and energy necessary to build other good habits like eating healthier. I have also spent some great time with Dan, took a couple of road trips to see dear friends and my Mom and to see my youngest son play a gig up near Lake Tahoe. Dan arranged for us to see a mid-week, mid-day ballgame at AT&T which was one of the decadent activities I identified early on as a must-do. I have also spent time with several dear friends at dinners, lunches, happy hours, and ballgames. Yes, I'm blessed.

The whole process is fascinating to me and I find myself not only experiencing it first hand, but also having a sort of out-of-body experience with it. I'm an objective observer of my own journey. As I continue to read "Finding Your Own North Star" by Martha Beck, I can't help thinking that there really is something to this that I need to explore further. 

The process of looking within and evaluating what you are really meant to do with your life is so profound and basic and energizing and exhausting and valuable and undervalued.....From an HR perspective I find myself thinking about how great it would be if we could, as employers, give everyone at our companies a couple of days a year (at the very least, once a quarter would be better) off of the regular work schedule to have focused time to be introspective and ask some of these difficult questions. Time to be strategic about our lives. Time to stop and breath and re-focus. How much more engaged would our employees be? 

Sure, some of them might ultimately decide that what they are currently doing isn't what they were really meant to be doing, but better to find that out and deal with it than to have an employee work for several years only partially engaged. Could I make a living at helping people and companies along these journies? 

Is it a career coach or a life coach? Is it in-house or as a consulting practice? How to I gain the expertise needed to do this? Education? Experience? Where do I begin?

I've already begun, really, by taking my own journey and learning first hand the power of the process. Could this be the thing I was meant to do? I need to try it on and see.

Sabbatical Day 17 - It's Not Time Yet

What an interesting journey this is.

I've spent the last couple of weeks kind of going with the flow. The only constant in my routine has been going to the gym in the morning and working my buns off. Beyond that, each day is filled with some combination of the following:

• Being creative (painting, writing, crafting etc.)
• Running errands
• Reading (finishing up "Finding Your Own North Star")
• Going to Darren's gigs
• Spending time with family and friends

The last week or so, I've felt myself in kind of a fog. I haven't had the energy to jump into anything major, physically or mentally. I know now that this has been a liminal period ("limin" is Latin meaning threshold....between identities, not one thing or the other) and is often marked with feelings of disorientation.

I have let myself just experience these feelings without forcing myself to try to "snap out of it." This is my down time, my time to just be and to remember how to breath again. A friend of mine who also took some time off from working told me that it took him about a month to break out of the fog. After a month, his girlfriend even noticed "hey, you got your brain back!"

This makes total sense to me now. I get it. This is week 4 of my time off and I am just beginning to feel like I will soon get to the point where I can formulate a complete thought and be able to make plans and, heaven forbid, put them into action.

But now is not the time for action. Not quite yet. Now is the time for reflection and nurturing and learning. I am attempting to keep myself open to possibilities without actually committing to any of them. The opportunities and possibilities are there. I'm just not ready yet.

Day 1-eve of my Sabbatical

I try not to have expectations around anyone's feelings, especially my own. Expectations usually lead to disappointment or confusion.

Tonight, as I get read to go to bed knowing that I don't have to get up and go to work tomorrow morning, or any other morning in the near future, I find myself surprised with how I'm feeling. It's a cross between dis-orientation and melancholy. I totally did NOT expect to feel like this.

I left my job this past Friday. I actually gave notice about six months ago, but stayed for a while in hopes that they would find my replacement and that I could help effect a smooth transition. I stayed as long as I could but six months was my limit. I very much love the people I worked with and Friday was a tough day. There were tears, cheers and everything in between. I spent some time by myself with a glass of prosecco and cheese, met Dan and some friends for an afternoon of contratulations, and then went and danced the night away at the Carlos Club.

Then on Saturday, Dan surprised me with a spa day and a night at the Stanford Park Hotel. Just the two of us enjoying some down time. It was priceless and just what I needed. He's a keeper.

And here I sit, on Sunday evening preparing to go to bed (but first an episode or two of True Blood). I have a little bit of a sick feeling in my stomach. I feel a little numb. It is becoming evident that this will not be all sh*ts and giggles. So much of my identity has been wrapped up in my work and my career.

And here I sit, unemployed by choice, but unemployed none-the-less. It will be many, many months before that becomes a bad thing and I have ideas galore on what I want to do with my time off. But I'm still feeling out of sorts. I guess that is to be expected. This is a huge life change for me. All change is difficult and takes time to get used to whether it is good or bad.

I'm thinking that I need to just breath, be kind to myself, and acknowledge that whatever I'm feeling (expected or unexpected) is fine. It's just part of the process. And that I'll wake up tomorrow and tackle the day in whatever way feels right. I'm so proud of myself for daring to take this journey, for stepping outside of my comfort zone.

Because that is when great things tend to happen.

Sitting on the runway, engines reved and ready to go

I find myself feeling like a jet airplane today; full of fuel, a pilot at the helm, and on the tarmak with engines blazing and shaking slightly with all of the energy that I'm holding on to. Waiting for just the right moment to release the break and hit the throttle, I sit here ready as ever for take-off.

Background:

I have been at my current job for about seven and-a-half years. In three more weeks, I will come to the end of my journey here and will launch fully into a discovery and experimentation phase. In January I musterd up some courage and decided to leave this amazingly wonderful job that I have called home for so many years. It was a tough decision, but from the moment I made it I knew with every fiber of my being that it was the right one.

It's funny how sometimes you just KNOW something so completely.

In the past several months I have begun to ready myself for this new journey. Using the right side of my brain more predominantly than ever before, I have taken photography classes, started drawing and keeping an art journal, began writing more than ever before, and just generally giving life to that side of me.

Dan thinks I'm the "crazy pen lady" based on how many different colors of pens I keep on me at any give time and on my constant doodling and drawing while watching TV. I just can't seem to get enough color or creativity in my life right now. It's like I was stranded in the desert for so long and am now kneeling beside an ample oasis and drinking in every last drop.

One might ask, "For what purpose?" Honestly, I'm not exactly sure yet. What I AM sure of is that it gives me energy, clarity and space to think about other parts of my life. That doesn't mean I have all the answers because heaven knows there are things in my life that I'm still struggling with and trying to solve. It does mean that I feel, more than ever, like my authentic self.

And there doesn't need to be any other purose than that.

On that day, at the end of June, when I walk out of the building for the last time, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be blaring the theme from Top Gun in my car with the sunrooof open and my shades on and my hair blowing and I'll be smiling and feeling like I "feel the need....the need for speed!"

Let's just hope I don't get a ticket on the way home (or wherever I'll be headed....).

Be Careful What You Ask For

My last post was about feeling sluggish and somewhat paralized. This one is about quite the opposite feeling, but with a similar outcome. I have so many ideas, desires, wishes, dreams, possibilities and choices swimming about me. Pulled in so many different directions at the same time can result in feeling like you are standing still.

I'm not complaining. This is a very exciting time in my life. I'm seeing a career coach who is helping me discover and think through what my next big calling in life might be. It is a fascinating and exciting process. I just finished the Mondo Beyondo process that has me creating space in my life for all of the new possibilities (litterally and figuratively). I'm doing creative things, talking to people about new professional opportunities that are so very different than anything I've ever doen before. I'm both making things happen for myself and sitting back to let life bring me what it will at the same time.

When I take a step back to ponder and consider this, it boggles my mind! How transformative. How brave. How lucky. How very, very, overwhelming.

Part of it is that I need to get comfortable with this new state of being. With having a state of mind that allows me to be constantly available for life's bounty and path.

Welcome to the new world, Mrs. Robinson. We've been waiting for you.

Mondo Beyondo - Dreaming BIG

I just signed up for an on-line class called Mondo Beyondo (you'll see a link to the right -> ). My dear friend Becky has done this class and highly recommneded it. I'm at a place in my life that is ripe for new beginnings, or at least some decisions on what kind of beginnings I want to explore. This seems like just the right time to embark on a class/journey just like this. Here is a description:

What happens when you give an unspoken wish a place to become a dream come true? How do you gather the courage required to help a new found dream soar?

Join seasoned dreamers Andrea Scher and Jen Lemen as together we explore Mondo Beyondo--the powerful point of view that transforms our deepest dreams into practical realities. This six week online class complete with inspiring lessons, real life stories, secret missions, audio interviews and hands-on activities will help you take your dreams from the realm of wishing into everyday motion.

Supported by Andrea and Jen as your able guides and exclusive access to a community of dreamers, you'll find yourself equipped with the perfect tools and the just right atmosphere to take the risks you've always dreamed of. Join us for the next session of Mondo Beyondo and we'll discover together where dreaming big can take you.

These are the same folks who did the on-line photography class I did earlier this year and I loved the spirit and delivery system of the class. I can't tell you how excited I am to do this!

A little time for me

 

Carpe diem....had to drop a co-worker off to pick up her car at 4pm and rather than go back to the office, I decided to take some time to sit with myself and just be. I took myself to my favorite wine bar, found a table outside and ordered a delicious flatbread and some chardonnay. I opened my journal and did some writing and enjoyed the afternoon. The whole exercise took exactly one hour and I felt very refreshed and relaxed. How often do we take these opportunities to pull back and just spend time with ourselves? Not often enough.

The Adventurous Spirit

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
— Chris McCandless (of Into the Wild fame)

A new friend shared this quote with me yesterday, odly enough in the middle of the Superbowl which is not a time when one would expect to encounter such thought provoking words. Dan and I discussed it breifly, but I think that it is worth disecting a bit more deeply. It is profound for me (and for us) because I feel that at the very core of my being is an adventurous spirit. Dan is more in the camp of enjoying what he has to the very fullest. The reality is that we both share some of each within us and are just on different places along the continum.

I think, first of all, that one needs to define adventure before beginning this conversation. For me, adventure means not just heading off to unknown and far away places. It means trying new foods, listening to new music, making new friends, taking a new route to a familiar destination etc.

What does adventure mean for you?

20 years and the best is yet to come

On Wednesday the 29th, Dan and I will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary. In many ways we've changed a LOT over the past 20 years, and we will no doubt continue to change as the next 20 years progress. As we create our paths ahead, although they are our individual paths, they are paths that are parallel and frequently crossing.

May we both continue on our journeys as the best individuals we can be and may we do so by being the best we can be together.

 

Ode to the mental health day

A very wise woman told me many years ago about the virtues of what she calls "mental health days." At the time I was in my 20's and although the concept sounded great (who wouldn't want a good reason to take a day off of work?), I didn't really grasp the power of what she was saying.

I do now.

This wise woman is my Mother-in-law (one of the two fantastic people with that title that I am blessed with) and today I am taking her words of wisdom and making them a reality.

I've been totally swamped and at times overwhelmed with work in the past several months. I've also had a lot going on at home. You know, the kids, the house, the marriage. Even the great things in your life need time, attention and work to keep them healthy and happy. Add it all up and what I get is the need for a mental health day.

So here I sit at Starbucks in a comfy booth with wireless access and a power plug and a latte and an oatmeal writing a blog post for a blog that I have neglected over the past couple of years. Listening to the funky Latin music they have piped in and enjoying my morning. My plans for the day include finding some t-shirts for what I hope will be a summer that comes quickly, picking out a few lovely plants to brighten up a back yard that is also aching for the sun and the warm air, and quite possibly a nap. I'm sure there will be other activities that catch my fancy throughout the day, but I'm going to let those happen as they wish.

And throughout the day, I'm going to feed my soul. Because I deserve it.

The Joy of Others

I'm learning how to take pleasure in other people's joy. It's easy to do that when things are good. When you are not having such a great time and feeling down in the dumps, it is very easy to be jealous and bitter about the people around you experiencing joy, pleasure and happiness.

This is where the lesson lies. Keeping perspective on life. The people around me deserve all the fantastic things that are happening to them. And I AM glad that they are doing well and feeling good! I can't remember ever going through something like this. But I feel like I'll be a stronger, better person when all is said and done.