I called him today

First I called the police station where he works today. Seems strange that a police station would have a phone number, even a non-emergency number, that would just ring with nobody to answer it.

But that's what I got. Granted, it was 8:00 pm his time and maybe after a certain time, they don't get the phone. But wouldn't you think that there would be some sort of endless loop of an answering system in place or something? Guess not.

So I tried the other number that I have. I wasn't sure if it was a home number or a cell number. I wasn't even sure that it was recent. But I tried it anyway. An answering machine did pick up this time, only it was a computer generated voice with no indication as to who was actually attached to the number.

I left a message. Vague enough that if someone else picked it up, they wouldn't get right away what I was after, but specific enough that if it WAS his number, he would understand what I was asking for.

But I still don't know that he'll get it.

Every time I decide to take the next step I go through a series of heart palpitations and feelings of having to puke and such. It's not fun and it's not pretty.

I'm sleeping pretty well, believe it or not. I think because by the time I go to bed, I'm so emotionally spent, I don't have a choice. I don't eat well during the day, though. I've lost 3 lbs in the last week.

I receive support daily. From my husband, my kids, my Mom, my in-laws, my co-workers. And I couldn't do this without any of them.

But I also get really great support from people that I have never actually met. My comrades from the internets. You guys rock. I get Twitters and direct messages and Facebook notes and comments on this blog from folks who freely send me their kind words and thoughts and stories and I appreciate it like you will never know.

And so, to you Dayngr, and Stargazer, thanks ladies...you're the best. Your words are powerful and much appreciated!

Comments

[Margaret]

I am so impressed that you called or at least attempted to reach him on the phone. That would scare me way more than a letter; I would want to throw up with nerves. You know that we are ALL on pins and needles with you in this and hoping for the best--solidarity, girlfriend.
P.S. I don't know if I've ever mentioned this, but my husband's dad disappeared from his life when he was about 5. He says he doesn't remember him at all, nor does it bother him--but some of the songs he likes have interesting lyrics about fathers.(My Old Man by John Denver is one) I think he has some unresolved issues about it, although I could never get him to admit it. And his dad would definitely be long dead since he would be about 97 years old. So that makes me even more sympathetic to your quest, since I have always been curious about my husband's father.

[Dayngr]

You know I'm wishing nothing but the best for you. I've been there, searching and finding both of my biological parents. It's a wonderful journey filled with so much self-discovery along the way. Enjoy the process, you're friends will be praying for the best outcome.

[Tammy]

I envy you and at the same time can understand the nervous knot that your stomach must be in. I am 38 and do not know my biological father. My Dad has been in my life since I was 2 and I wouldn't trade him for the world, but there is always that nagging wonder in the back of my head. Always questions that I would like to have answered only for my own sense of peace.

I would never be able to reach out as you have done. I have too many issues with him. I honestly, could not phathom having a relationship with him. That makes me sad at times, but I cannot forgive him, after all of this time, for leaving me when I was a baby.

Good luck on your journey.

[Heather]

I am a random stranger from blogville, wishing you the very best. I am currently estranged from my sister and can't eat either. Not much. It's hard to do so when your stomach is churning.
Not that this estrangement is anywhere near the same as what's going on with you and "the wait" you are experiencing.
It's hard to "shut it off" and go to sleep. I'm SO glad that you can.
I hope (a whole lot) that you find some kind of closure, either with a new relationship or a conversation that answers your questions. Whatever it is, I pray it's coming soon.
Peace to you.