What's That You Say, Mrs. Robinson?

The Adventurous Spirit

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."
— Chris McCandless (of Into the Wild fame)

A new friend shared this quote with me yesterday, odly enough in the middle of the Superbowl which is not a time when one would expect to encounter such thought provoking words. Dan and I discussed it breifly, but I think that it is worth disecting a bit more deeply. It is profound for me (and for us) because I feel that at the very core of my being is an adventurous spirit. Dan is more in the camp of enjoying what he has to the very fullest. The reality is that we both share some of each within us and are just on different places along the continum.

I think, first of all, that one needs to define adventure before beginning this conversation. For me, adventure means not just heading off to unknown and far away places. It means trying new foods, listening to new music, making new friends, taking a new route to a familiar destination etc.

What does adventure mean for you?

The Joy of Others

I'm learning how to take pleasure in other people's joy. It's easy to do that when things are good. When you are not having such a great time and feeling down in the dumps, it is very easy to be jealous and bitter about the people around you experiencing joy, pleasure and happiness.

This is where the lesson lies. Keeping perspective on life. The people around me deserve all the fantastic things that are happening to them. And I AM glad that they are doing well and feeling good! I can't remember ever going through something like this. But I feel like I'll be a stronger, better person when all is said and done.

Quietly giving thanks

This Thanksgiving Dan and I are at home with Payton. Darren is up at my Mom's and I'll join him there tomorrow (after we do some black Friday shopping that is). It is a very different kind of Thanksgiving these days. We used to go to Dan's Mom's house with about 20 other family members. It was crazy in many ways, but it was great.

Now it is very quiet. Dan and I watching football, Payton in and out of the house. Ronaldo likes that we are here on the couch for sure. I'm still cooking only instead of the whole shabang, our menu looks like this:

• Roasted chicken with potatoes and carrots
• Sausage stuffing
• Garlic mashed potatoes
• Swiss corn bake
• Garlic and butter green beans

We just finished a yummy appetizer of bacon wrapped water chestnuts (pictured here). YUM!

And this year I'm more thankful than ever for my family. We may not be a perfect family, but we love each other very much and everyone is healthy.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!

I called him today

First I called the police station where he works today. Seems strange that a police station would have a phone number, even a non-emergency number, that would just ring with nobody to answer it.

But that's what I got. Granted, it was 8:00 pm his time and maybe after a certain time, they don't get the phone. But wouldn't you think that there would be some sort of endless loop of an answering system in place or something? Guess not.

So I tried the other number that I have. I wasn't sure if it was a home number or a cell number. I wasn't even sure that it was recent. But I tried it anyway. An answering machine did pick up this time, only it was a computer generated voice with no indication as to who was actually attached to the number.

I left a message. Vague enough that if someone else picked it up, they wouldn't get right away what I was after, but specific enough that if it WAS his number, he would understand what I was asking for.

But I still don't know that he'll get it.

Every time I decide to take the next step I go through a series of heart palpitations and feelings of having to puke and such. It's not fun and it's not pretty.

I'm sleeping pretty well, believe it or not. I think because by the time I go to bed, I'm so emotionally spent, I don't have a choice. I don't eat well during the day, though. I've lost 3 lbs in the last week.

I receive support daily. From my husband, my kids, my Mom, my in-laws, my co-workers. And I couldn't do this without any of them.

But I also get really great support from people that I have never actually met. My comrades from the internets. You guys rock. I get Twitters and direct messages and Facebook notes and comments on this blog from folks who freely send me their kind words and thoughts and stories and I appreciate it like you will never know.

And so, to you Dayngr, and Stargazer, thanks ladies...you're the best. Your words are powerful and much appreciated!

Finding my father

I haven't blogged about anything particularly serious in quite some time. In fact, I haven't been blogging much lately at all.

I find myself drawn here, however, as I get myself ready to do something that I have been thinking about doing for many years.

I have never known my biological father. My Mom was 17 when I was born and at the time he was not in a position to be a part of our lives. My Mom married when she was 20 to a guy who turned out to be a real creep. They were married for over 20 years before she finally left him. That happened about 1 year after my first son was born. I was 24. She got re-married to a really fantastic guy about 12 years ago.

For many, many years, I didn't feel the need to find my real father. My grandfather was my Dad in so many ways. He rocked me to sleep when I was a baby, he drove me to soccer practice and came to all of my softball games when I was a teen, and he was my very biggest fan for my entire life. Poppy passed away this past January. I can't really say that I have decided to try to contact my Dad because I now have a vacancy in my life, although I'm sure there is some truth to that deep down somewhere.

Since I started having kids of my own, I've become increasingly curious about who my Dad is. What does he look like? What does he do? Does he have other kids? Does he like baseball? What kind of music does he like? Where does he like to go on vacation?

I wonder if my boys look like him. Are they like him in any way? I have never really wondered how much I look like him because I look a LOT like my Mom. But maybe I do.

I am pretty certain that I have located him. Knowing someone's full name, birth date, where they went to high school, etc. makes that pretty easy these days. For $40 I was able to enter some information on-line and in a couple of weeks had a 9 page report with addresses, names of people that have lived at those same addresses etc. From there I did some Google searching to find out more. The report that I got led me to believe that he may be a police officer and sure enough, I did a bit of sleuthing and found some information on him. He is apparently a veteran and is a decorated police officer.

I also have an address where he was living until at least 2007. There is also a phone number. I don't want to call him, although I know that it would/could certainly speed things up. I want him to be able to react to my reaching out to him in whatever way suits him best. Can you imagine getting a call like that while you are sitting around with your family watching TV or having dinner and then having to explain it, especially if you had never told them that you had a child 40 years ago? I don't want him to feel pressured to respond or do anything that he doesn't want to do, and so I will send a letter. I will send it registered mail, or return receipt or however the post office directs me to send something where I want to know for sure that HE picked it up.

I say this because about 10 years ago I went through this same exercise only I just sent a letter to his home via regular mail and never heard anything. He may have gotten it and decided not to respond, but there is also the possibility that he either never got the letter at all or that someone else in his family opened it and didn't want him to respond, so they never gave it to him.

I need to know for sure this time.

I'm sure that if I don't hear anything, there will be a part of me that will feel a sense of loss and finality. I'll just deal with it when/if it happens. I'm actually not too concerned about my ability to handle that well.

If he does decide to contact me, who knows what that might lead to. It might just be that we have a conversation and that's it. Maybe we meet once. Maybe we become part of each others lives. I have no idea and honestly have no expectations.

I do, however have hope.

Hope that maybe we can build a relationship and be part of each others lives. Hope that maybe I have siblings out there somewhere. Hope that my sons will get the gift of a "new" grandpa.

With the love and support of my husband and my Mom, I will begin this journey.

Yes, my heart is racing.

It's that time of year again

What to do first?

- start thinking about what kind of food and drink to serve at our Christmas party on Dec 1
- start thinking about and shopping for various decorative items for said party
- start writing family Christmas letter
- answer a bunch of emails re: the auction I'm working on that is this Saturday
- plan what to wear for said auction
- start big cleaning project in prep for the party and the rest of the holidays
- move all of Darren's basketball game schedule info to my digital calendar
- get my oil changed
- freshen up plantings in the front and back yards for the holidays
- finish the book I'm reading
- start the new book and finish it before the movie comes out in 2 weeks
- buy more music on iTunes so that we freshen up our mix for the party
- sleep

That's just the beginning and I know there are many of you who have even more to do. How about if we commit to each other that we will take care of ourselves during this crazy time.

I think I'll start by meeting my friend Deb at Starbucks next weekend just because it would be fun and just because I want to.

Goodbye, Thirtysomething

Tomorrow, I will be 40.

It's not just another "F-word," it is what I will be for the next 10 years. It will not define me, rather I will define IT.

I have a lot to do in the next 10 years. I have 2 kids to get through high-school AND college. I have a marriage to nurture and grow. I have a career that is really just now taking off. I have a new president (or two or three) to elect. I have a body that will need more care than ever. I have a million books to read and some countries to visit.

There will no doubt be some losses in my life as my grandparents continue to age. One of my pets will not be with me when I see 50. There will no doubt be some unexpected losses, too.

I remember being a kid watching the show "Thirtysomething" and thinking how old those people seemed. Now they seem like kids. Because they were.

I am humbled by the blessings that surround me and I can only hope that my next 40 years will be as kind and generous to me as my first 40.

I am proud to join the ranks of the smart, sexy "older" women that I have admired for so many years.

Ladies and gentlemen, here I come!

I'm almost 40, he's 87

It is less than 48 hours before I am 40.

1/2 way to 80.

My grandfather is 87. He smoked for about 40 years of his life. He crawled across France and Checeslovakia on his stomach and earned the bronze star in WWII. He paced the floors with me when I was a newborn during the wee hours of the morning and came to every softball game I had when I was a teen. When I call him, he says "Now there is the sweetest voice I have EVER heard." When I was majorly hung over at the ripe old age of 16 on Easter Sunday, he refused to believe it. He thought his poor granddaughter was the victim of food poisoning at the drive-in instead.

He is suffering from emphysema. He only has the use of 10% of ONE of his lungs. He also suffers from COPD.

Oh JOY! Why on earth would you want to continue to read this post?

Good question!

Because this is a post about love and bravery and devotion and honor and love again.

He is the only real father figure I have ever known. He is everything I know about the masculine side of parenting and love and me.

He takes my breath away. And he is very near the end of his life.

Every hour, every day, I think about his final hours. I try to figure out when I'm going to see him next.

The issue is that he has been "on his last legs" for about 5 years now. He is a STRONG son of a bitch. He could go tomorrow. It could be another 5 years.

What the hell do I do?

Here's to you, Moms!

A great big happy Mother's Day to all of you out there who are Moms. And for those of you who aren't Mom's, don't forget to call yours today if you aren't already taking her out for a fabulous brunch or something.

My day started on the sleepy side. Dan and I ended up staying out much later than planned. We went to dinner with another couple and then decided to check out a very small but intriguing pub in San Carlos called Clooney's. When we got there we called another couple to come and join us, but knowing how much time they spent on the baseball field that day, we really didn't anticipate that they would actually show up. After playing a little pool, putting some tunes on the juke box and talking with a guy who had apparently been at the pub all day (judging from his inability to speak without slurring every word), we were surprised to see yet another couple of friends show up (not the ones we had called). After about 1/2 hour with these friends, our friends who had been at the ball field all day came in all rested and ready to go.

It turned into quite a little party. As bar starting filling up, I couldn't help but notice how freakin' young the kids looked. Seriously, none of them looked old enough to be there. I ended up talking to one of these kids and turns out he was born...get this...in 1985! THAT'S WHEN I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!

Wow.

So for the 3rd weekend in a row, Dan and I were out after midnight on a Saturday night. Not bad for a couple of old folks. Only we have been paying for it the next morning.

Which brings me to the present. Dan and Darren made me whole wheat waffles and turkey bacon for breakfast. Patyon was still sleeping and woke up just in time for the tail end of the feast. Now we are all sitting around on our respective computers having a nice quiet morning. When I end this post I will get myself a starbuck's and settle in for a few hours of scrapbooking...then we will venture to Palo Alto for dinner at the Olive Garden. It must be an early dinner (like 4:30 ish) as we all want to make sure we are home in time to watch the Warrior's beat the Jazz in game 4 of the playoff series.

I'd like to take this opportunity to tell the world what an absolutely amazing Mom I have. She sacrificed so much for me in her life and she made me what I am today. She cares for her parents now, pretty much a full time job as they are aging quickly and have many needs. She also recently took custody of her step-grandchildren (ages 3 and 5) for a few months while their Dad got his shit together (don't ask about their Mom, you don't want to know). On top of all of that, she goes on 4 wheel drive treks in the deserts and mountains of Utah, CA and other states and she water skis all summer long. Oh, yeah, and she is a Soroptimist doing a bunch of fund raising and volunteer work. And she works the polling places on election days.  And she sends text messages to her grandsons. And she is a great wife. And a great daughter. And a great Mom.

Your assignment should you choose to accept it...

My boss sent me this poem about a year ago and I have it just  written on a piece of paper. So in order to get it to a place where I can find it when I need it, and of course, to share it with you I decided I should post it here. A good way to start thinking about the new year ahead...

Anything you do
from the soulful self
will help lighten
the burdens of the world.
Anything.
You have no idea what the
smallest word,
the tiniest generosity
can cause to be set in motion.
Be outrageous in forgiving.
Be dramatic in reconciling.
Be off the charts in kindness.
In whatever you are called to,
strive to be devoted to it
in all aspects large and small.
Fall short? Try again.
Mastery is in increments, not in
leaps.
Be brave, be fierce, be visionary.
Mend the parts of the world
that are "within your reach."
To live this way is the most
dramatic gift you can
ever give to the world.
Consider yourselves assigned.

        ~Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Anticipation

(Click here for more of our New Year's Eve photos)

As I sit on the couch (on which I have been perched for hours) watching the Rose Bowl with my husband and my 2 dogs, and surfing the blogosphere, I see many people making statements about what they want to do for the new year. What they are hopeful for, what they are glad to leave behind. I wonder myself what will happen this year. What things I can control and what I can't. I have aging family members (including one of my dogs) and I brace myself for the possible losses that the year could bring.

I also have a son graduating from 8th grade, trips to Seattle, Hawaii and Las Vegas, a 40th birthday for both me and my husband and many other yet untold reasons to celebrate.

There are things that I would love to accomplish this year, loose some weight, eat healthier, exercise more, read more, connect with my family members and close friends more, meet new friends, etc.

But the truth is, if I could land the end of 2007 exactly the same way I am starting it, I would be a happy camper.

Ronaldo, dreaming of Santa

Ronaldo, dreaming of Santa, originally uploaded by KRob2005.

We had a beautiful (albeit sickly) Christmas. This is Ronaldo on Christmas Eve, waiting for Santa.

Dan got really sick but was a trooper as we went through our Christmas rituals. We were with my family this Christmas and Dan had to cancel his travel plans to go to Seattle to spend some post-Christmas time with his side of the family. He is on the mend now, but it really sucked having to make the decision not to go. I get to enjoy his time now, but feel bad for his family.

We've been busy "cleaning up Christmas" and have almost all of the decorations down already. As much as I LOVE Christmas, I feel the need to be done with it and move on already. I think I'm anticipating a really busy Jan and Feb and the sooner I can "get my game face on" for that, the better. I need to get things done, put things away, write things down and prep for the next couple of months.

I'm reviewing my "Getting Things Done" processes and getting psyched for "stress-free productivity." I listened to a few pod casts today on GTD and 43 folders. Good stuff.

We are actually thinking about hosting a little New Years get together even though we already did a big Christmas bash. We just love to entertain. It's what we do.

The kids got XBox Live for Christmas so they have been busy setting it up and figuring it out. They are having a blast with it. Oh, yeah. We finished our fireplace re-model!

Ready....Set...

Our annual Christmas party is tonight. We've done this for about 5 or 6 years now and the party has grown to 50+ people. We tent the backyard and put up heaters so that we can use the outside space well (our house is NOT big enough for a 50 person party). It is 4 hours until party time and we are doing well with the set up. I'm off to pick up the few catered dishes we are serving. Bacon wrapped dates (YUM!) from Iberia in Menlo Park and Falafel from the Mediterranean Deli in San Carlos.

Then its in the shower and putting the finishing touches on the decorations and we'll be set to go. Pictures for sure...

Oh, and the best part is that Payton's 10am baseball game scheduled for tomorrow morning (for which we would have to be out of the house at 8:30) was CANCELED! Thanks, Coach. You read my mind.

Take my blood, please

Wow, so I really flaked out these past few days. Bad blogger!

Crazy times. Getting ready for our annual holiday bash, trying to keep school going for the kids, basketball season started for Darren and Payton is getting ready for finals (and his first formal).

I gave blood today and had a somewhat frightening experience. Last time I gave, I realized that I have extremely small veins. The technicians had a really difficult time finding any veins in my arms. They had to call in the head honcho, and even she had a hard time. The giving of the blood that time was a very slow and deliberate process.

This time, still had difficulty locating the veins. I asked them to call in the head honcho right away because I didn't want to waste anyone else's time. She actually got a round of applause from her staff when she successfully stuck me and started the blood flowing. This time, however, the blood flowed rather quickly and the buzzer on my unit started going off way before anyone had expected it to. I gave, and I gave quickly.

As I sat down to eat my peanuts and drink my juice, I felt a little woozy. Normal. I settled in to read the newspaper and down some cookies and more juice. The words and letters became difficult to focus on and within a minute or so I knew something was wrong. I tried breathing deeply and drinking some more juice, but it kept getting worse. I leaned forward a bit to get a nurse's attention and just as I started speaking, she took one look at me and came rushing over. Apparently, I lost all color in my face and she knew I was going to pass out quickly. She grabbed me by the arm and the waist and laid me down on a nearby bench, had me put my knees up and put a cold cloth on my forehead. She turned a fan on for me and helped me rock my knees back and forth and wiggle my feet.

I have never felt that sensation before. I literally felt the blood drain from my brain. It felt like falling down a well in slow motion. I can't imagine experiencing that in a setting other than a medical one. I can see how people just fall to the ground. I could not have made the trip from the chair to the bench on my own. I would have fallen. I HATE feeling out of control, and that is certainly how I felt at that moment.

I felt somewhat better pretty quickly, however it took me about 1/2 hour to get my blood pressure back to a level where I felt safe to drive back to work. They had me eat all of the salty snacks so that the sodium would help elevate my blood pressure.

It is almost 8 hours later and I'm still feeling a little woozy and fuzzy headed. I've been drinking water and juice all day and trying to eat well. No wine for me tonight, I'd be loopy after a couple of sips. Tomorrow may even be questionable.

I'm starting to think that giving blood is not such a good idea for me. It is a difficult process and I don't want to feel like I did today ever again. I'm bummed, though, because I think it is really important. Dan gives about as often as he physically can and I love that. I wish it were a slam dunk for me. Not sure what I'm going to do.

Before and After

It's been a busy week at the "Mission" house. Here are the before and after photos of the house. It is amazing what a new color will do for the house!

House Before, originally uploaded by KRob2005.

 

And here is the "After." Notice all of the bushes that we had to cut down...did some new plantings, too.

House After, originally uploaded by KRob2005.

 

Who would you be today, Timmy?

Tim Volkert 1988-2003

Who You'd Be Today - Kenny Chesney

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
See your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe your gone

It ain't fair you died to young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today

Would you see the world
Would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Someday's the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday

Someday, someday

Timmy Volkert was 15 years old when he passed away in his sleep. He had an enlarged heart that nobody knew about and it gave out on him in early December 2003. I remember that day like it was today. The entire community was punched in the gut and we didn't catch or breath for days, weeks, months to come.

Timmy was a hero, larger than life, to kids like my son who is now the same age that Timmy will always be, 15. He was a baseball superstar and could have been cocky and arrogant. But he wasn't. He was kind, a role model. When Payton was in 5th grade and Timmy in 8th, Payton remembers Timmy giving him a kind pat on the head and a "hey, what's up kid?" in in the hallway. In San Carlos there is a Tim Volkert award in Pony Baseball given each year to the kid who most exemplifies Tim's character; dedicated, positive, encouraging to other players, always a smile on his face, always willing to do whatever the team needs him to do, a leader. Tim got these characteristics from his parents. When we went to visit them shortly after Tim's passing, THEY hugged US, THEY comforted US. Not because we needed it, or asked for it, but because that's just who they were and how they were as a family.

I'll never forget that cold December night we spent on the baseball field at Burton Park with hundreds of other community members and friends of Tim's. The candlelight memorial, the kids who played songs on their guitars and sang for Tim. The kids who cried for him and the adults who were trying to stay strong for them.

When Payton heard the song "Who You'd Be Today" and said, "Mom, this is totally a song about Timmy," I realized that Tim's death is still very much a part of who he his, who we are. But even more important  than that, Tim's life is what we miss, what we strive to carry forward and carry with us every day.

Baby, You Can Drive My Car...

It's a big day. An exciting day. A frightening day. A day that will change our lives, as we know them, forever.

Payton got his driver's permit yesterday! His Dad is taking him out for a parking lot drive somewhere to let him experience the feeling of actually being behind the wheel. I'm not as nervous as I thought I would be on this day. I don't think that the real fear will hit until he is able to drive without us in the car with him. Then, everything changes.

I thought that some of the questions on the written test would be fun to share with you. Would YOU know the answers?

1) The speed limit in an alley is:
    a) 20 mph
    b) 15 mph
    c) 10 mph

2) Two vehicles are approaching an uncontrolled "T" intersection. One vehicle is on the through road and the other is on the road that ends. Who has the right-of-way at the intersection?
    a)The vehicle on the through road
    b) The vehicle on the right
    c) The vehicle that arrives first

Here is one that Payton got right, that I hope he'll never have to use:

3) You are being chased by a police vehicle with its lights and sirens activated. You ignore the warning to stop and speed away. During the chase, a person is seriously injured. You are subject to:
    a) Imprisonment in a state prison for five years
    b) A fine of not less than $1,000
    c) Attending an anger-management class
    d) Your mother crying and screaming at you and years of therapy as well as all of the above (I added that one :0)

Here are some that CLEARLY most people have forgotten about:

4) You are driving on a city street and see an emergency vehicle with flashing lights behind you. What should you do?
    a) Drive to the right edge of the road and slow down
    b) Drive to the right edge of the road and stop
    c) Stay in your lane, slow, down, and let it pass

5) When merging onto a freeway, you should be driving:
    a) At or near the same speed as the freeway traffic
    b) At the legal freeway speed limit
    c) Slower than the freeway traffic
    d) First, come to a complete stop (I added this one because clearly it was in SOMEONE'S driver's manual)

6) If you have a green light, but traffic is blocking the intersection:
    a) Stay out of the intersection until traffic clears
    b) Enter the intersection and wait until traffic clears
    c) Merge into another lane and try to go around the traffic
    d) Go ahead and block the intersection, because of course, you are the most important person out there! (again, this must have been printed in someone's book, 'cause you know it happens all the time).

Here are the answers:
1) B
2) B
3) D (no, A really)
4) B
5) A (really, people...don't stop!)
6) A

Here are some links to some interesting teen driving blogs/posts/sites:

Safe Teen Driving Blog
AAA Parent/Teen Driving Agreement
Arkansas Blog: Teen Driving
The Car Blog
Article on the Autos Insider
Author urges parents to play a bigger role in helping young drivers stay safe

Letting go

What is it time for me to let go of?

Besides the fact that I just left a preposition to dangle, what does this question make you think about?

I'm reading a book called Managing Transitions. It is a book about organizational change and what that means and how to navigate through it.

But when I read the sentence, "What is it time for us to let go of" it hit me on a more personal note. I have been feeling like I'm in a state of animation. Not the kind where you look like Buggs Bunny, but the kind where you are just hanging there. Not planted on the ground where things are moving. Not headed in any particular direction. Waiting for the wind to blow, sending you in a direction, or waiting for the right time to open your sail to catch the wind and start on your journey.

But WHAT journey? In order to head in a new direction or take on a new challenge, you must let go of something. An idea. An ideal. A dream. A comfort. A notion.

What is it time for me to let go of?