A Mom on a Mission

What's Cookin' 8/17 - 8/21

2008-08-17T11:56:48-07:00

What is going on this week:

Monday - Payton starts school
Tuesday - My 41st birthday

The menu:

Sunday - Breakfast scramble (eggs,bacon,potatoes,onions,corn)
Monday - BBQ Chicken & Grilled veggies
Tuesday - Chicken Enchiladas & salad
Wednesday - BBQ Burgers & veggies
Thursday - Thai Peanut Chicken stir fry w/veggies

And so a return to a "normal" schedule begins. Sort of. Darren won't start school until next week, so this week we sort of have one foot on either side of the fence. We will spend this last day of summer vacation cleaning up in the yard, running out to get whatever items we need to fill in the gaps for food, tidying up the house and having a reminder conversation with the kids about rules and expectations for the school year.

Gone are the days where you get excited by school clothes shopping and going to Office Depot to stock up on supply items. We have this down so well that we just do it bit by bit without making a big deal about it.

I miss the dull scissors and the need for the 64 color Crayola box. The cute backpacks and brand new shoes.

Vacation's over....getting back to real life

2008-08-13T13:41:11-07:00

I'm on the plane with all 3 of my boys (husband and 2 kids) on my way home from vacationing in Gig Harbor, WA. We had a fabulous visit with my husband's side of the family. We saw 14 different family members all together ranging in ages from 2 to 80+. We ate a lot, shared some wine, old stories, new stories, watched the Olympics and did some water activities (the house is on waterfront property on Puget Sound).

It was everything it was supposed to be. We are a tight family and we have a lot of fun together. My father-in-law is battling lung cancer and I had not seen him since his diagnosis. It was great to see him and finally get to hug him. The distance between Gig Harbor and San Carlos has seemed much greater than it usually does since his diagnosis. We wish we could be closer to support him and to care for his caregiver (my mother-in-law) more.

I was able to talk to various family members about my recent contact with my Dad and they really helped me think through the what if's and what's nexts. I could not go through this journey without each and every one of them.

There were several evenings that I was able to spend some time alone out on the deck by the water's edge, watching the sun set over the Olympic mountains and thinking about my Dad. I think that I found some patience deep inside and will give him whatever space and time he needs to absorb the news that I'm here and wanting to meet him.

And now it is back to the daily life that I call my own.

School starts for Payton next week and for Darren the week after. I'm back to work tomorrow and Dan is on the tail end of closing one deal and about to put another house on the market. We are all very busy, to say the least.

I want to get back to posting regularly here. My sister-in-law mentioned that she had enjoyed reading about what we were planning for dinner each week a while back. Those posts were called "What's Cookin'?" and think I like that idea. It did help me maintain a more disciplined schedule with meal planning.

I will also be "in training" with my son, Payton. He starts his workouts for baseball soon and wants to be in better shape before they begin and after eating so much on this vacation and just generally being "off the wagon" of healthy eating, I want to get back on track. On top of that, a good friend of mine suggested that regular exercise (endorphin rush) would help lift my spirits as I go through the emotions of contacting my Dad. Good advice and I will take it.

So look for the return of "What's Cookin'" posted each Sunday beginning in a few days and for posts about my journey to a healthier lifestyle. My hope is that the two will go hand in hand and that my posted menus reflect the healthier choices. In the beginning they may not as I don't expect everyone in the house to eat the way I will. We all have different food needs and that will be reflected I'm sure.

After work tomorrow it is out for school clothes shoping with Payton. He goes in for his senior portraits on Thursday.
We've only just begun.

Enjoying the sunset over the Olympics

2008-08-08T16:09:46-07:00

Aunt Katie enjoying the sunset
Originally uploaded by KRob2005

So this is what most evenings have been like for me in the last week. This photo in particular shows Aunt Katie with the sunset over the Olympic mountains in the background. I thought this would be appropriate since the Olympic games started today.

You will notice the most necessary wine glass on the table near Katie's feet. It is empty which is a shame. But I'm sure we filled it up in short order.

I have been falling asleep so easily here. The house we are staying at has its bedroom right at the bulkhead on the property and with the windows open you can very clearly hear the water lapping against the rocks.

Heaven.

I miss my dogs. I'm still waiting to hear from my Dad.

We are so enjoying spending time with the family. Lots of meals and conversations. I think I'm finally starting to unwind a bit. I'm putting off thinking too much about how school starts in 10 days for Payton and all that that brings. For now, there are more important matters like what we are going to do this afternoon. Nap, or sunbathe, or go for a walk on the beach?

The Family

2008-08-07T16:21:05-07:00

The Family
Originally uploaded by KRob2005

This is a shot of the entire family (on my husband's side) on our first day in Gig Harbor. This photo includes 4 generations, all of which have spent countless days, months and years on the beaches of Rosedale beginning back in the 1920's or so. My husband grew up coming here during the summer and now my kids are doing the same.

Feel free to poke around my flickr account at the other photos from the trip. It has been beautiful so far!

A beautiful afternoon at Rosedale

2008-08-06T18:39:57-07:00

A beautiful afternoon at Rosedale
Originally uploaded by KRob2005

Just a quick note as I am on vacation in the Gig Harbor area of Washington. Yes, it is really this beautiful and I'm enjoying lots of wine, lots of reading and lots of sunsets.

Much needed.

Still no word from my Dad since the one email I got a while back. I did send him another email to let him know that I am thinking about him and ready to hear from him whenever he is ready also.

Good things come to those who wait.

Wine and Baseball

2008-07-29T21:14:51-07:00

Napa Grapes
Originally uploaded by KRob2005

We spent this past Saturday through Tuesday in Napa Valley at the Joe DiMaggio World Series where my son, Payton was playing for the San Carlos team. We got all the way to the championship game and lost but had a great 4 days watching lots of baseball, eating too much, visiting a few wineries and shopping. My Mom came all the way from Nevada City with 3 of my nieces and nephews for the final game.

I am always very enamored with the grapes on the vines. I think that they are just so beautiful. The grapes this time were just turning from green to purple and I happened to catch this bunch in some great light.

We are glad to be home. For a few days anyway...then it is off to Gig Harbor, WA.

These trips are helping me to keep my mind busy. In case you are wondering, still no word from my Dad since his initial email. I'm sure he's dealing with a bunch of stuff and I'm being as patient as I possibly can.

I wonder if he likes wine.

The message I've been waiting for...

2008-07-22T20:54:33-07:00

At about 3:20 pm today I got an email from my Dad.

Seriously!

It was short, and sweet. It told me all that I needed to know for now. He got my letter (he called it a "beautiful letter"), he's shocked, we have much to discuss...and to give my Mom his love.

That's it.

I answered back (after some tears and a phone call to my husband). I told him to take his time, and that when he was ready, I'd be here. I thanked him for letting me know he had received the letter.

I feel like I can sleep well tonight. Although there is still a lot that I don't know, I do know a few things.

1) I know that he got my letter
2) I know that he thought the letter was beautiful
3) I know that he is dealing with the shock
4) I know that there is a lot on his mind that he wants to talk about
5) I know that he is thinking about my Mom
6) I know how to reach him via email when I want to

And that's all I really need to know for now.

Thanks, Dad

(I'm calling him Dad here because I don't want to use his real name. I have NEVER called anyone Dad in my entire life and I'm not sure how easy it would/will be to start and I don't know that he would be comfortable with me calling him that either.)

I'm exhausted. I got a beautiful email today from Left Coast Mom who was concerned about some of the things I had mentioned about not being able to sleep and feeling very distant from people lately. She educated me, gave me some great ideas and her compassion touched me deeply. You just never know where love and kindness will come from. It is why I believe in karma. I believe that you reap what you sew and I must have been sewing well at some point because I've been reaping so much from so many lately.

To top it all off, my sister-in-law (not knowing what was happening at the time), sent me this video which made me cry again. Especially when I saw the message at the end. It's a little sappy, but you can see why it was so amazing TODAY!:

I called him today

2008-07-21T21:41:58-07:00

First I called the police station where he works today. Seems strange that a police station would have a phone number, even a non-emergency number, that would just ring with nobody to answer it.

But that's what I got. Granted, it was 8:00 pm his time and maybe after a certain time, they don't get the phone. But wouldn't you think that there would be some sort of endless loop of an answering system in place or something? Guess not.

So I tried the other number that I have. I wasn't sure if it was a home number or a cell number. I wasn't even sure that it was recent. But I tried it anyway. An answering machine did pick up this time, only it was a computer generated voice with no indication as to who was actually attached to the number.

I left a message. Vague enough that if someone else picked it up, they wouldn't get right away what I was after, but specific enough that if it WAS his number, he would understand what I was asking for.

But I still don't know that he'll get it.

Every time I decide to take the next step I go through a series of heart palpitations and feelings of having to puke and such. It's not fun and it's not pretty.

I'm sleeping pretty well, believe it or not. I think because by the time I go to bed, I'm so emotionally spent, I don't have a choice. I don't eat well during the day, though. I've lost 3 lbs in the last week.

I receive support daily. From my husband, my kids, my Mom, my in-laws, my co-workers. And I couldn't do this without any of them.

But I also get really great support from people that I have never actually met. My comrades from the internets. You guys rock. I get Twitters and direct messages and Facebook notes and comments on this blog from folks who freely send me their kind words and thoughts and stories and I appreciate it like you will never know.

And so, to you Dayngr, and Stargazer, thanks ladies...you're the best. Your words are powerful and much appreciated!

Dear Dad

2008-07-18T17:55:32-07:00

I'm about to leave work (it's 5:42 on a Friday afternoon, yes it's time), but I find myself feeling like I need to have my time planned. When I have space and time to fill I go quickly to wondering what my father is doing. Has he read my letter yet? If so, what is he thinking? The scenarios run everywhere from "he drove himself straight to the airport (or just clocked out from his station there) and got on a plane and he'll be here any minute" to "he threw it away because he has put that part of his life behind him and has moved on and does not want to go back there" and everything in between.

The everything in between is the most likely scenario.

Dear Dad,

I hope that my letter found you and that you are not too freaked out about getting it. I hope that you have people around you who care about you and who can help you think through this to come to whatever decision suits you best. I hope that you are either content enough with your life right now to just move on, or are so excited (as I am) about the possibilities that lay in front of us. Either way, I hope you can find peace with yourself and your world. Just know that whatever happens I love you very much and I don't hold anything against you.

And that the door is always open.

I think we could have a really great time getting to know each other. I think you would really love getting to know your son-in-law and your grandsons. They are all very special guys and they love me and treat me well. They also would love to know you. You have a whole family (even 2 dogs! I hope you like dogs) who has stories to share and time to spend and love to give.

Just let us know when you're ready.

One step closer

2008-07-17T20:17:17-07:00

FedEx was successful in delivering the letter to the police department today. I can't say for sure that my father has it his hands because someone in the mail room signed for it. Not ideal, certainly not what I was going for, but you gotta think that a FedEx delivered to the attention of a police officer at his station would be in pretty good hands.

The question is, has he seen it yet? Or is it sitting in his mail box?

And so the waiting continues, but I am one step closer. This afternoon was difficult. It was hard to focus on work so I left early (4:30, the earliest I've left work in months) to go have a cocktail with hubby at his office. We had a nice chat for about an hour and then went to downtown San Carlos to walk around at the Farmer's Market. We had tamales from a cart, bought some cinnamon bread and then I got some lavender (an eye pillow and a sachet). I need the lavender to help me relax.

It was hard for me to eat today. I had 2 bananas and 1/2 sandwich during the day because that was all my stomach could handle. I didn't realize how hard this would be.

My Mom sent me a much needed email late last night. She reminded me of some of the details around when my father left our lives and how he was just a kid and that he struggled with it afterward. She told me that I should not feel guilty about trying to contact him and that I deserved to give it a try.

She has always said that at the time my father looked like Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate" which came out the year I was born. Funny that I ended up with the name Mrs. Robinson.

Too Much?

2008-07-16T21:13:30-07:00

So now there is a part of me that thinks, "Wow. What have I done? This poor guy was probably going about his life, just as happy as can be, and wham, this stuff bubbles up."

I also think that even though I didn't share nearly all of the details (his name, where I was born, some of the story behind what happened), I did share too much. I am going to edit out some of the details just be safe. It's a little too late, but it's what I can do for now.

As I said before, I don't want to intrude on his life in any way.

What a roller coaster. I guess I'm getting nervous.

Try, Try, Again

2008-07-16T13:28:54-07:00

FedEx tried to deliver the letter again this morning. No luck. In my frustration and with a sense of urgency that I had not expected, I decided to find somewhere else to deliver this l etter to my father.

I don't want to document too many details about him in an effort to respect his privacy, but I will tell you that I know that he is a police officer in the city where he lives. I Googled the PD (for about the 100th time this week) and found the main, non-emergency number and called. I asked where I should send a FedEx to this particular officer and they told me that he is stationed at the airport. They gave me the address and instructions on how to send it there (they were very helpful and kind).

I then got on the phone with FedEx (again, very helpful and kind) and gave them re-routing instructions. Unfortunately, it may be Friday before they can attempt delivery again. It depends on how quickly their system picks up the re-routing instructions and gets the letter on a different truck.

As I was talking to the kind lady at the police department, my heart was racing. That was the closest I have ever been to my father. That I know of. I have been at "his" airport twice in my life. Once flying in, the other flying out. Could I have seen him and not known it? Odds are against it, but when I think about the possibility, it makes my heart race.

Nobody's Home

2008-07-15T19:48:15-07:00

FedEx tried to deliver the letter today but there was nobody home to sign for it. Tomorrow is another day.

I love the internet and my Blackberry...I got an email from FedEx this morning at 7:00am my time saying that delivery had been attempted, but "customer (was) not available." Almost instantly I thought of a new scenario that might play out, what if he is on vacation? Eventually FedEx will return my letter to me and I have to **gasp** wait a bit longer and then try to re-send it. Crap.

The letter is now waiting at the nearby FedEx facility. Waiting for tomorrow. The letter and I have a lot in common today.

I was, at least, able to get some stuff done today. Because I knew very early on that today would not be the day that my Dad found out that his daughter was looking for him, I was able to take a deep breath, and go on about my business. I actually got quite a bit done today. I took care of some things that I had been putting off for a while. I took my son's letterman's jacket to have the letter put on and his name embroidered on the back, I called Sous Kitchen to let them know that they shorted me on my last order and they promptly took care of it by agreeing to send another meal my way this Friday (Excellent customer service).

I published an Employee Satisfaction Survey that I had been noodling on for several weeks. I had several meetings with people that needed to get done including getting my Q2 review from my boss. I did some research on salaries for a couple of positions I'll be recruiting for soon and I answered a bunch of emails.

Keep your hands busy and your mind stays busy, too.

Sort of.

No turning back

2008-07-14T20:05:56-07:00

I sent a FedEx letter off today to my father. I may know by this time tomorrow if he wants to contact me or not. Several things could happen:

There will be nobody home when the FedEx person attempts delivery. They leave a note and bring it back to the distribution center. Try again the next day.
There will be someone home that is not him and the FedEx person lets them sign for it. I'll know who signed for it (I'll get an email from FedEx), so at that point I'll know that if it wasn't him that signed for it, I may need to take further action (after waiting a bit to see what happens)
He will be home and he will sign for it and do nothing.
He will be home, sign for it and contemplate it for a while before contacting me.
He will be home, sign for it and call me.

It's funny because I didn't expect to be anxious. I honestly, up until today, was pretty calm, cool and collected about this. I have had many conversations with myself about the possibilities, the emotional risks, the ramifications of hearing from him or not. I had it all figured out.

But as soon as that letter was in the FedEx box, there was no turning back.

And that is when my emotions began to surface. I found myself shuffling papers, feeling very unable to focus on anything. A couple of times I found myself shaking. I began to realize how much I had just put myself out there emotionally. How vulnerable I have made myself.

That's not something I do very often or very easily. For any reason. It's not that I don't take risks, its just that this is different. This is huge.

And then here comes the part of me that protects myself saying "No it's not. It's not huge. Your life won't change if nothing happens. You have a full and wonderful life and he doesn't want to be part of it, it is his loss." That's the bad ass woman in me that usually runs things around here.

But there is also a little girl who lives inside of me. And she is on her knees hoping that her Daddy is coming home really soon.

Finding my father

2008-07-12T20:33:03-07:00

I haven't blogged about anything particularly serious in quite some time. In fact, I haven't been blogging much lately at all.

I find myself drawn here, however, as I get myself ready to do something that I have been thinking about doing for many years.

I have never known my biological father. My Mom was 17 when I was born and at the time he was not in a position to be a part of our lives. My Mom married when she was 20 to a guy who turned out to be a real creep. They were married for over 20 years before she finally left him. That happened about 1 year after my first son was born. I was 24. She got re-married to a really fantastic guy about 12 years ago.

For many, many years, I didn't feel the need to find my real father. My grandfather was my Dad in so many ways. He rocked me to sleep when I was a baby, he drove me to soccer practice and came to all of my softball games when I was a teen, and he was my very biggest fan for my entire life. Poppy passed away this past January. I can't really say that I have decided to try to contact my Dad because I now have a vacancy in my life, although I'm sure there is some truth to that deep down somewhere.

Since I started having kids of my own, I've become increasingly curious about who my Dad is. What does he look like? What does he do? Does he have other kids? Does he like baseball? What kind of music does he like? Where does he like to go on vacation?

I wonder if my boys look like him. Are they like him in any way? I have never really wondered how much I look like him because I look a LOT like my Mom. But maybe I do.

I am pretty certain that I have located him. Knowing someone's full name, birth date, where they went to high school, etc. makes that pretty easy these days. For $40 I was able to enter some information on-line and in a couple of weeks had a 9 page report with addresses, names of people that have lived at those same addresses etc. From there I did some Google searching to find out more. The report that I got led me to believe that he may be a police officer and sure enough, I did a bit of sleuthing and found some information on him. He is apparently a veteran and is a decorated police officer.

I also have an address where he was living until at least 2007. There is also a phone number. I don't want to call him, although I know that it would/could certainly speed things up. I want him to be able to react to my reaching out to him in whatever way suits him best. Can you imagine getting a call like that while you are sitting around with your family watching TV or having dinner and then having to explain it, especially if you had never told them that you had a child 40 years ago? I don't want him to feel pressured to respond or do anything that he doesn't want to do, and so I will send a letter. I will send it registered mail, or return receipt or however the post office directs me to send something where I want to know for sure that HE picked it up.

I say this because about 10 years ago I went through this same exercise only I just sent a letter to his home via regular mail and never heard anything. He may have gotten it and decided not to respond, but there is also the possibility that he either never got the letter at all or that someone else in his family opened it and didn't want him to respond, so they never gave it to him.

I need to know for sure this time.

I'm sure that if I don't hear anything, there will be a part of me that will feel a sense of loss and finality. I'll just deal with it when/if it happens. I'm actually not too concerned about my ability to handle that well.

If he does decide to contact me, who knows what that might lead to. It might just be that we have a conversation and that's it. Maybe we meet once. Maybe we become part of each others lives. I have no idea and honestly have no expectations.

I do, however have hope.

Hope that maybe we can build a relationship and be part of each others lives. Hope that maybe I have siblings out there somewhere. Hope that my sons will get the gift of a "new" grandpa.

With the love and support of my husband and my Mom, I will begin this journey.

Yes, my heart is racing.

Why we love Tim McGraw

2008-06-26T16:31:31-07:00

This is probably one of the most blogged about videos right now, especially with the female blogosphere, but I'm going to do it anyway...Props to momlogic for posting it...

If you haven't seen it yet, apparently at a recent concert, Tim McGraw saw an overly aggressive male fan attacked a female fan in the audience near the stage. He calls for security, but then he and his stage hands reach down into the audience to pluck the dude out of the audience. He was handed over to the police shortly thereafter. Nicely done, Tim. Can I get a yeehaaaww! Oh, and he's pretty cute, too.

George Carlin on Language

2008-06-24T20:03:14-07:00

I'm going to miss you, George. You were one of a kind!

My Updates from Twitter

2008-06-22T21:52:01-07:00

Twitter Updates

Out of sorts

2008-06-21T16:20:12-07:00

I'm looking for a little writing therapy and so of course, to my blog I return...

Life is strange right now. So many things are effecting my psyche; some large, some small but all of them telling me that I am in a huge period of change in my life. Change that isn't gong to stop any time soon. In fact, I think that the next 3-4 years are going to be challenging, fabulous, sad, scary and when all is said and done, will shape who I become.

Without going through a specific laundry list of all of the things on my mind (I need to save something to blog about next), let's just say that I've got things on my mind like serious family illnesses, 2 teen aged boys on a daily bases, a career that is more demanding than I've ever experienced, feeling disconnected from most family members and best friends due to geography and time challenges and all of the joy that the years before menopause bring.

I know...so what makes me different than any of the rest of you?

Nothing!

So I'm hoping that you share your stories and your wisdom me and I look forward to learning about how all of you are fairing in this journey we call life.

I'm also sensing that a blog re-branding is in order...change of name and look and focus.

'Cause I don't have enough to do :0)

I sadi it then, I'll say it now...

2008-06-03T18:14:23-07:00

My Next President