What's That You Say, Mrs. Robinson?

Against all odds

An open letter-type post to my sweet boy. My 13 (almost 14, dear God) year old boy...

Times are tough my son. You are going through a time in life that is typically tough for everyone your age, yet you have additional challenges. I try so hard not to excuse you and  lower my standards for you because you have these additional challenges. Yet, in my heart, I ache for you. I know I need to be strong and consistent and stick to being the parent vs. the friend.

But because I know you won't be reading this any time soon, I feel like this is where I can tell you what is in my heart and soul, even if I can't let you see it all the time for fear that it would undermine my ability to be a mean mommy, a hard ass, the rock that I hear about kids needing but not getting.

I want to be everything for you. Everything, everyday.

There are two songs that I have listened to in the last several minutes that seem to really nail what I'm feeling for you right now.

Against All Odds - Phil Collins
Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon and Garfunkle

I know that the difficulties that you are facing right now seem so overwhelming. I think that you just don't know what to do. I think that you are in over your head and that you don't know what the next steps are.

Letting go of the particulars, I want you to know so much about what I'm feeling for you.

"How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all"

Sometimes I feel like you are slipping away from me. Like I just don't know what to do next to help you. I'm trying everything I know how. I'm working on trying new things. But I still feel so connected to you, like we breath together. And when you struggle, so do I. When you hurt, so do I. When you feel the desperation, so do I.

"When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."

You can be so smart, and so thoughtful and so "all that and a bag of chips." When you screw up it kills me because I know what a rock star you are. I just can't figure out what it is that makes you do what you do sometimes.

What worries me the most is that maybe you don't realize how much your Dad and brother and I love you. How much we love who you are (who you can be) and how much we love to be with you when you are at your best.

At your worst you worry the crap out of us. I don't know how much of that is your ADHD, your age (your hormones) or something else. I think it is my job to worry. My job to freak out about how boys your age with ADHD are at such a significantly higher risk for suicide. My job to defend you and advocate for you and be the one of the two people on the face of the earth who will stand by you no matter what.

Dude. Please just get through 8th grade. Please just do what it takes to get you to the next step. Your Dad and I have worked hard to make sure that your choices for high school will be better than what the middle school experience has been for you. I know that one of the choices will be very expensive, but if that is the right choice for you, somewhere where you can thrive, and be appreciated and be happy and part of a brotherhood, then I don't give a crap how much it costs. I don't care if I have to sell my car and walk to work...you WILL get what you need.

I just want to hold you and tell you that everything will be OK. That you'll be fine...not just fine, but that you will ROCK. I honestly believe that if we can find a way to get through the next 6 months, the world will be so much better for you. You need, and deserve a fresh start.

"They" say that the best things in life are also the things that you work the hardest for. I hope you know how much your Dad and I love you and how hard we are working for you. We are here for you.

I can say all of this here, because I don't have to be the hard ass here. I can fall apart here, in the blogosphere, because the people here know where I'm coming from. They are parents. Some of them have been in similar places with their kids. I need to be strong for you. I need to be consistent and maintain boundaries for you in your world.

But in this, my blogging world, I can be vulnerable and sad and angry and frustrated. I can even be weak.

In this world, and in the real world, I love you more than life. And I just need you to know that.

Refreshing Perspective on ADHD

I read a great post today on I Speak of Dreams about kids with ADHD from a teacher's perspective. We are struggling right now with one teacher who thinks that seating D near the front of the classroom is all she needs to do to make accomodations for him. We have had several teachers over the years who have not only done little to help D, but have actually hurt him (hurt his self-image and his confidence). I would love to meet this teacher, Lisa Fischler. She has my admiration and my deep respect.

TAGS: adhd

Batton Down the Hatches

About 2 weeks ago we started having problems with D's AD/HD medication. He wasn't just having trouble sleeping; the poor kid wasn't sleeping, period. He went about 3 days with no sleep and little to eat. Both of these issues are side effects of the meds he was on. Although he has been on these meds successfully since February, he is going through a growth spurt, he is 12 with all of the hormones and other crap happening, and the side effects just stopped being tolerable.

He missed a day of school just so that he could stay home and get some sleep (as soon as I didn't give him his meds he fell asleep and didn't want to wake up for a whole day). We then took him to the doctor and told him what was going on. He immediately gave us a new prescription and told us to start with the new meds that night.

Here's the tough part. The old meds were stimulants. They worked within 1/2 hour of entering his body. This new one, Strattera is not a stimulant and requires the meds to build up in his body over time. TIME. That's the big issue. We now have a child off of his active meds. It is amazing how quickly you forget what it was like before the meds. He's bouncing off the walls, flailing his arms about, shouting, being defiant, argumentative, hungry and sleepy. We have spent the last several days basically letting him sleep as much as he needs and letting him eat (within reason) whenever he wants. It's great to see his physical self come back to normal.

It is another thing altogether to see the mental and emotional state. Now, don't get me wrong. D is by no means "severe" with his AD/HD. He is actually quite mild and for that I am thankful. But the difference is deafening. I took him and a friend to see Harry Potter last night. I know...I must have a death wish. A kid freshly off his meds sitting in a noisy theater for 2 1/2 hours (not including the 15 minutes of previews we saw). But I really felt like he deserved something fun. He has been trying so hard to self-control even though that is the deficit in his AD/HD. He really wants to act like a 12 year old and he is giving it everything he's got. So I took him.

Just getting him to stop playing football and get into the car was a challenge. When we got to the theaters and had to stand in the dreaded line for 1/2 hour before they let us into the theater (to then wait another 1/2 hour before the movie started). D and his buddy went into the arcade for a bit. Now this is an interesting situation because although the noisy crowded arcade is the perfect place for him to be noisy and a bit crazy, the noise and craziness are more than he can stand (too much stimulation). So while his buddy is in there playing games, he goes back and forth between the arcade and where I'm standing in line about 10 times. Somewhere along the line he finds a plastic bag and bats it around in the air for about 20 minutes as he is going back and forth. Finally we get into the theater and the torture begins (for him, not me). The seats are bouncy which means he MUST bounce constantly. I sent him to the snack line for popcorn and a drink. That works for a while. He can sit still while he's eating. But one can only eat so much popcorn.

The movie starts and within 15 minutes he's leaning on my shoulder, sighing, fidgeting and wanting to either fall asleep or go home. It's going to be a long evening.

I'll make the long story short. In the end we both stuck it out together. The movie was really good and the action filled parts kept his attention long enough that he could get through the other parts. However the louder the sound got, the more uncomfortable he got. He just doesn't like to be over stimulated. Ironic, isn't it? D did a great job, stuck it out, used all the self-control he could muster. It helped that we were in the theater with about 300 kids between the ages of 5 and 10 who were talking and cheering and generally being noisy so D could comment on stuff and talk to me a little without me having to shush him.

The meds could possibly take another week or so to build up in his system (if they even work for him). Thanksgiving will be interesting. But that is a whole other story. Kind of like the perfect storm of bad situations all coming together...another post...another day.

Deep breath. Families go through these changes in meds all the time with their AD/HD kids. We're not alone. He's doing a great job. He's a good fantastic kid. I'm off to the store to buy my wares for Thanksgiving...and a few extra bottles of wine.

TAGS: adhd

Something wonderful is afoot at the Circle K

Ok, so I butchered that a bit (it is supposed to be "strange things are afoot at the Circle K", from one of my favorite movies of all time, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure).

Darren is responding nicely to his increased dosages of Concerta.  Good feedback from teachers, no side effects, yet.  We actually watched him "come down" from the meds yesterday evening.  He went from calm, cool and collected to the crazy, uninhibited, loud and somewhat obnoxious kid he is.  He likes the changes. He can tell a difference in his ability to control his  impulsive behaviors (can we all sing it together..."HALLELUYAH!"). OK, so I butchered the spelling of that, I'm sure. Hey give me a break, my English degree was in literature and teaching, not spelling!

Anyway,  in other news, Payton (our almost 14 year old) was, as of about 6 months ago, the same height as Darren (2.4 years apart). As of last night, Payton SKYED over Darren by almost 3 inches!  He has been on such a spurt. He has a little peach fuzz on the corners of his upper lip, his voice has completely changed, he actually has real muscles, and I dare say, he is well on his way to becoming a young man. (Grace, Molly Robinson sounds WAY cool by the way). Wait a minute. There is NO WAY I'm old enough to have a 14 year old!!!! I'm only 37. Oh, but wait, when my Mom was 37, I was 20. OOPS. If I were to keep up with my Mom, I'd be a Grandma in 3 years. Ummmmmm NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! I'm sure Payton would concur. And the bowl full of condoms is located right next to the front door. (Not litterally, but, boy, ya know what I mean?).

Speaking of condoms, I met the Director of  "Grant Getting" for Planned Parenthood today. Obviously that's not her official title, but it describes who she is and what she does. She reports directly to the big cheesette of PP. What a fabulous organization. They were there for me, and I will do my best to make sure that all of the young women that I will be dealing with over the next several years know of their services. It was an honor and a HUGE pat on the back when she approved of my parenting techniques when it comes to sex ed and talking to your kids. I think I just broke my arm patting myself on the back.

Speaking of Sex Ed. Did you see the hideous results that the Texas (AKA: BUSH) abstenance program has reported?????  Can we have a collective...DUHHHHHH!!!!!!

Day 1 of the Meds

Obviously from the content of my recent blogs I've had a one track mind lately. Darren's ADHD meds are at the top of our list of things to think, plan and worry about. Appologies if this is boring any of you, but it is an important time in our lives.

Darren took his first dose of meds (Concerta) this morning. We were to start with the smallest dose which is 18mgs. That doesn't seem to have had any affect on Darren at all, so tomorrow we will try 2 pills (36mgs) and see if that does anything. If not, we'll up it to 54mgs either Monday or Tuesday, depending on what the Doc says. We are all just holding our breath to see what happens. Meanwhile, everything else seems to be happening in the background.

ADHD Doctor Update

Dan and I met with Darren's new doctor this morning for about an hour. We went through all of the normal questions, was it a normal pregnancy, birth, any unusual occurences durring childhood (are you kidding...everything was an unusual occurance), yadda yadda yadda. The doctor appeared to be very nice and he asked a lot of good questions beyond the chatter I mentioned above. His office was, well, as Dan put it, didn't inspire confidence. It was a small office in a small building shared with other therapist types. The carpet had to be 20 years old and furniture wasn't far behind. I go back and forth on this. On one had, who cares what the stuff looks like, as long as he is compitent and good with Darren. On the other hand, Dan was right. It didn't impress me. We'll see how tomorrow goes when Darren meets with him for about an hour.

In the past we have always had the best doctors for Darren. His first Pediatrician was highly recommended and outstanding. Darren's eye doctor (he has strabismus, or lazy eye on top of everything else), is highly saught after in the area and hard to get an appointment with. She is regarded as the best for childhood eye problems beyond just simple sight issues. And the doctor who Darren originally saw for his ADHD evaluation is beyond fabulous. Dr. Jacknow has been recommended to us by virtually everyone we know who has had similar issues. Unfortunately, because this doctor will have to prescribe medication for Darren on an on-going basis and will require seeing him frequently to get the dosages right, we are stuck with what our insurance will cover, and who it will cover. It is amazing how difficult it is to find a doctor that is 1) on your health plan coverage 2) does what you need him/her to do and 3) taking new patients! That is how we got to where we are. We don't have a whole lot of choices at this point. Who knows, we may rave about this doctor someday. I'm optimistic. I also just want someone to help us make some changes so that we can have less conflict in Darren's life, and in ours.