I sent a FedEx letter off today to my father. I may know by this time tomorrow if he wants to contact me or not. Several things could happen:
- There will be nobody home when the FedEx person attempts delivery. They leave a note and bring it back to the distribution center. Try again the next day.
- There will be someone home that is not him and the FedEx person lets them sign for it. I'll know who signed for it (I'll get an email from FedEx), so at that point I'll know that if it wasn't him that signed for it, I may need to take further action (after waiting a bit to see what happens)
- He will be home and he will sign for it and do nothing.
- He will be home, sign for it and contemplate it for a while before contacting me.
- He will be home, sign for it and call me.
It's funny because I didn't expect to be anxious. I honestly, up until today, was pretty calm, cool and collected about this. I have had many conversations with myself about the possibilities, the emotional risks, the ramifications of hearing from him or not. I had it all figured out.
But as soon as that letter was in the FedEx box, there was no turning back.
And that is when my emotions began to surface. I found myself shuffling papers, feeling very unable to focus on anything. A couple of times I found myself shaking. I began to realize how much I had just put myself out there emotionally. How vulnerable I have made myself.
That's not something I do very often or very easily. For any reason. It's not that I don't take risks, its just that this is different. This is huge.
And then here comes the part of me that protects myself saying "No it's not. It's not huge. Your life won't change if nothing happens. You have a full and wonderful life and he doesn't want to be part of it, it is his loss." That's the bad ass woman in me that usually runs things around here.
But there is also a little girl who lives inside of me. And she is on her knees hoping that her Daddy is coming home really soon.