I haven't blogged about anything particularly serious in quite some time. In fact, I haven't been blogging much lately at all.
I find myself drawn here, however, as I get myself ready to do something that I have been thinking about doing for many years.
I have never known my biological father. My Mom was 17 when I was born and at the time he was not in a position to be a part of our lives. My Mom married when she was 20 to a guy who turned out to be a real creep. They were married for over 20 years before she finally left him. That happened about 1 year after my first son was born. I was 24. She got re-married to a really fantastic guy about 12 years ago.
For many, many years, I didn't feel the need to find my real father. My grandfather was my Dad in so many ways. He rocked me to sleep when I was a baby, he drove me to soccer practice and came to all of my softball games when I was a teen, and he was my very biggest fan for my entire life. Poppy passed away this past January. I can't really say that I have decided to try to contact my Dad because I now have a vacancy in my life, although I'm sure there is some truth to that deep down somewhere.
Since I started having kids of my own, I've become increasingly curious about who my Dad is. What does he look like? What does he do? Does he have other kids? Does he like baseball? What kind of music does he like? Where does he like to go on vacation?
I wonder if my boys look like him. Are they like him in any way? I have never really wondered how much I look like him because I look a LOT like my Mom. But maybe I do.
I am pretty certain that I have located him. Knowing someone's full name, birth date, where they went to high school, etc. makes that pretty easy these days. For $40 I was able to enter some information on-line and in a couple of weeks had a 9 page report with addresses, names of people that have lived at those same addresses etc. From there I did some Google searching to find out more. The report that I got led me to believe that he may be a police officer and sure enough, I did a bit of sleuthing and found some information on him. He is apparently a veteran and is a decorated police officer.
I also have an address where he was living until at least 2007. There is also a phone number. I don't want to call him, although I know that it would/could certainly speed things up. I want him to be able to react to my reaching out to him in whatever way suits him best. Can you imagine getting a call like that while you are sitting around with your family watching TV or having dinner and then having to explain it, especially if you had never told them that you had a child 40 years ago? I don't want him to feel pressured to respond or do anything that he doesn't want to do, and so I will send a letter. I will send it registered mail, or return receipt or however the post office directs me to send something where I want to know for sure that HE picked it up.
I say this because about 10 years ago I went through this same exercise only I just sent a letter to his home via regular mail and never heard anything. He may have gotten it and decided not to respond, but there is also the possibility that he either never got the letter at all or that someone else in his family opened it and didn't want him to respond, so they never gave it to him.
I need to know for sure this time.
I'm sure that if I don't hear anything, there will be a part of me that will feel a sense of loss and finality. I'll just deal with it when/if it happens. I'm actually not too concerned about my ability to handle that well.
If he does decide to contact me, who knows what that might lead to. It might just be that we have a conversation and that's it. Maybe we meet once. Maybe we become part of each others lives. I have no idea and honestly have no expectations.
I do, however have hope.
Hope that maybe we can build a relationship and be part of each others lives. Hope that maybe I have siblings out there somewhere. Hope that my sons will get the gift of a "new" grandpa.
With the love and support of my husband and my Mom, I will begin this journey.
Yes, my heart is racing.