An open letter-type post to my sweet boy. My 13 (almost 14, dear God) year old boy...
Times are tough my son. You are going through a time in life that is typically tough for everyone your age, yet you have additional challenges. I try so hard not to excuse you and lower my standards for you because you have these additional challenges. Yet, in my heart, I ache for you. I know I need to be strong and consistent and stick to being the parent vs. the friend.
But because I know you won't be reading this any time soon, I feel like this is where I can tell you what is in my heart and soul, even if I can't let you see it all the time for fear that it would undermine my ability to be a mean mommy, a hard ass, the rock that I hear about kids needing but not getting.
I want to be everything for you. Everything, everyday.
There are two songs that I have listened to in the last several minutes that seem to really nail what I'm feeling for you right now.
Against All Odds - Phil Collins
Bridge Over Troubled Water - Simon and Garfunkle
I know that the difficulties that you are facing right now seem so overwhelming. I think that you just don't know what to do. I think that you are in over your head and that you don't know what the next steps are.
Letting go of the particulars, I want you to know so much about what I'm feeling for you.
"How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you
You're the only one who really knew me at all"
Sometimes I feel like you are slipping away from me. Like I just don't know what to do next to help you. I'm trying everything I know how. I'm working on trying new things. But I still feel so connected to you, like we breath together. And when you struggle, so do I. When you hurt, so do I. When you feel the desperation, so do I.
"When you're weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. when times get rough
And friends just cant be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down."
You can be so smart, and so thoughtful and so "all that and a bag of chips." When you screw up it kills me because I know what a rock star you are. I just can't figure out what it is that makes you do what you do sometimes.
What worries me the most is that maybe you don't realize how much your Dad and brother and I love you. How much we love who you are (who you can be) and how much we love to be with you when you are at your best.
At your worst you worry the crap out of us. I don't know how much of that is your ADHD, your age (your hormones) or something else. I think it is my job to worry. My job to freak out about how boys your age with ADHD are at such a significantly higher risk for suicide. My job to defend you and advocate for you and be the one of the two people on the face of the earth who will stand by you no matter what.
Dude. Please just get through 8th grade. Please just do what it takes to get you to the next step. Your Dad and I have worked hard to make sure that your choices for high school will be better than what the middle school experience has been for you. I know that one of the choices will be very expensive, but if that is the right choice for you, somewhere where you can thrive, and be appreciated and be happy and part of a brotherhood, then I don't give a crap how much it costs. I don't care if I have to sell my car and walk to work...you WILL get what you need.
I just want to hold you and tell you that everything will be OK. That you'll be fine...not just fine, but that you will ROCK. I honestly believe that if we can find a way to get through the next 6 months, the world will be so much better for you. You need, and deserve a fresh start.
"They" say that the best things in life are also the things that you work the hardest for. I hope you know how much your Dad and I love you and how hard we are working for you. We are here for you.
I can say all of this here, because I don't have to be the hard ass here. I can fall apart here, in the blogosphere, because the people here know where I'm coming from. They are parents. Some of them have been in similar places with their kids. I need to be strong for you. I need to be consistent and maintain boundaries for you in your world.
But in this, my blogging world, I can be vulnerable and sad and angry and frustrated. I can even be weak.
In this world, and in the real world, I love you more than life. And I just need you to know that.